Home     Writers     Op/Ed     Book Reviews     News     Bookstore     Photoshops     Submit     Search     Contact Us     Advertise  
  You are here: 





Saturday, 10 February 2007 11:18
by Will Durst

In a stunning announcement that shook Capitals and media centers around the globe, White House press Secretary Tony Snow read a simple statement at an extraordinary 2 am press conference last night revealing that George W Bush, the 43rd President of the United States, has entered an undisclosed medical facility for therapy. No further information was forthcoming as to whether the treatment was for emotional distress, drug or alcohol abuse or just an “executive timeout” but an eyewitness claims the decision for the President to enter rehab was anything but voluntary.

According to a pedestrian taking a late night stroll past the White House on the way back to her hotel, “he was putting up an awful fuss.” The middle aged government employee from Joliet, Illinois who prefers to remain anonymous, went on to describe an unidentified white male screaming “I don’t want to go to sleep away camp. I’m the decider. I’m the decider,” before a blue blanket was thrown over his head and he was hustled down the front steps into an unmarked emergency vehicle which sped away from the White House grounds in a westerly direction. Speculation centers on whether the President’s final destination was Bethesda Naval Hospital or the refrigerated hold of a Fed Ex cargo plane bound for the Thai island of Phuket.

Avoiding the subject of his Commander-in-Chief’s absence completely, Vice President Dick Cheney addressed a hastily assembled joint session of Congress to reassure the country and the world that America’s ship of state would stay the course and little if anything would change. On both sides of the aisle, several shoulders were seen to slump at the news. After the Acting President’s speech, in a secure ladies’ room inside the Capitol, a high level source claims to have observed Betty Ford pat First Lady Laura Bush’s hand in a “there, there” gesture while Condoleezza Rice weeped uncontrollably behind a locked stall. Because of the hour, most foreign leaders were unavailable for comment but Prime Minister Tony Blair of the United Kingdom was reported to have muttered, “Thank God,” after receiving the news at 10 Downing Street.

Known and very popular cialis coupon which gives all the chance to receive a discount for a preparation which has to be available and exactly cialis coupons has been found in the distant room of this big house about which wood-grouses in the houses tell.

Some experts call this unprecedented action an attempt by the Administration to elicit sympathy in the face of a botched war and plummeting poll numbers. University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee sociologist Dr. Deborah Camp called the move “as repellent and transparent as cellophane shoes.” She went on to elaborate. “It’s a dance of repentance, but they seemed to have skipped the step where the luminary publicly admits to bad behavior then disappears. Maybe this is a reverse strategy, which has been their standard procedure.”

Her colleague, Dr. Robert Bielefeld theorized the President was subject of an intervention, but doesn’t hold out hope for a lasting cure. “Most celebrities, especially politicians, aren’t serious about changing their behavior. Certainly not those who disappear for a few weeks to vaguely defined, unsupervised counseling programs complete with open pharmacies, HBO and stripper poles planted around the pool.”

The President follows in the fresh footsteps of a slew of renown rehab patients such as boxer Mike Tyson, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, the Reverend Ted Haggard, Congressman Mark Foley, Miss USA Tara Connor, who-knows-what-the-hell-he-does Michael Richards, actors Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan, Robin Williams, Isaiah Washington, Robert Downey Jr, nine Cincinnati Bengals, 4 entire NBA teams, Panama and about three quarters of the Kennedy clan. Internet rumors to the effect that the President is sharing Courtney Love’s old room with actor Crispin Glover have not been confirmed.

Comic, writer, actor, former radio talk show host and bartender, Will Durst, speculates the blue blanket was a childhood favorite from the ranch in Crawford.

Catch Durst in stand-up mode at the Sacramento Punch Line on February 23rd-25th. www.punchlinecomedyclub.com (916) 925-5500 And listen to his twice weekly commentaries @audible.com/willdurst.
More from this author:
by Will Durst If you need more proof that President George Bush is as clueless as a goldfish on a leash in a space shuttle, you obviously...
The Demagogic Whistle Stop (7419 Hits)
by Will Durst   Oh for crum’s sake, people. It was a joke! “If you don’t study in school you’ll end up getting stuck in Iraq.”...
San Francisco Values (6827 Hits)
by Will Durst Hope you were hanging on to something solid Tuesday night because this country lurched so hard to the left, half of Washington...
Who's the Comeback Kid Now? (7469 Hits)
by Will Durst Guess who the Republicans snuck in as Senate Minority Whip? Trent Lott. Yes, that Trent Lott. Welcome back buddy! You’re a...
AND THEY’RE NOT OFF! (7237 Hits)
by Will Durst I startled some guy in the next lane at a red light when I shouted at my radio today. A semi famous network newscaster had come...
Related Articles:
Time for Truth and Consequences (12597 Hits)
by Dave Lindorff   The Bush administration, losing the war in Iraq, has come with a "new" strategy: setting a timetable for Iraq's...
A Christmas Curse: Retribution Time or To Hell with All the B_______ (10509 Hits)
by William A. Cook It occurred to me in one of my less cynical moments, deluded no doubt by the merriment of the season, that all of those...
Fine Mess You Got Us Into This Time (10649 Hits)
by Stephen P. Pizzo At the moment all the focus is on what George W. Bush is going to do about the mess he's made of Iraq. But the larger...
Bush is right, it’s time for America to change course (5853 Hits)
by Ed Kociela The one thing George Bush got right during his speech to the nation Wednesday night is that it is time to change America’s...
Bring On The Horse Manure, It's Time For Another SOTU (5143 Hits)
by Winter Patriot The annual State Of The Union speech is due Tuesday night, so guess what we had in the news on Monday? Al-Qaeda No. 2...

Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites
Comments (0)add comment

Write comment
smaller | bigger



Top 123