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Sun

04

Feb

2007

Iran ate my Homework!
Sunday, 04 February 2007 16:07
by Ed Naha

With Iraq imploding and BushCo.’s appetite for spreading “democratic reform” with an insatiable vengeance going strong, it’s clear that America needs a new target in its ongoing war on terror. Judging by the avalanche of innuendo spewed last week; our next target is Iran.

Were it not BushCo. at the helm, the “news” stories generated within the past ten days would have been laughable enough to qualify as a re-make of “The Mouse That Roared.”

CNN got the ball rolling, stating that the United States suspected Iranians were directly involved in the January 20 attack on a US compound in Karbala, Iraq, which killed five US soldiers, four being kidnapped before being executed.

Citing unnamed US government officials, CNN said the Department of Defense is investigating whether the attack, carried out by men wearing uniforms resembling those of US troops, was the work of Iranians or fighters taught by Iranians.

“We believe it’s possible the executors of the attack were Iranian or Iranian-trained,” one of the officials told CNN.

“This was beyond what we have seen militias or foreign fighters do,” the official said.

Later, one official, who preferred to remain nameless because of amnesia, commented to this reporter: “Clearly, this was not the work of Iraqis. Iraqis tend to come at us with pointy sticks.”

Added a second official who wished to be called “anonymous” because he liked the sound of the word, “Sometimes they use rocks.”

“And IEDs,” added the first.

“But the IEDs are bought in bulk. Off the rack,” explained the second. “They’re not at all sophisticated, merely effective.”

“And,” the first official went on, “while in the past, Iraqi militia men have dressed as police and/or soldiers while killing and kidnapping dozens of people in broad daylight, the Karbala incident was different.”

The second official summed it up. “Some of the attackers spoke English so, clearly, they were Iranian.”

“Or Amish,” the first official said, grimly. “But we eliminated the Amish right away in that the attackers drove up in SUVs and not horse-drawn buggies.”

This new theory of a possible, maybe, kinda Iranian involvement in Iraq came one week after pResident George W. Bush authorized U.S. forces to capture or kill Iranian operatives in Iraq. (As part of the top secret “Operation Go Apeshit!” agenda.)

Last Monday, Bush warned: “If Iran escalates its military action in Iraq to the detriment of our troops and/or innocent Iraqi people, we will respond firmly.”

A senior White House source, who wished to remain nameless so as to mask the fact that he didn’t know what he was talking about, said: “All Iranian operatives should remember…Americans don’t like opera.”

Vaguely in the real world, the No. 2 U.S. general in Iraq told USA Today in an interview published Tuesday that Iran was supplying Iraqi Shiite militias with a variety of powerful weapons, including Katyusha rockets and armor-piercing rocket-propelled grenades.

“We have weapons that we know through serial numbers … trace back to Iran,” Lt. Gen. Raymond Odierno said, proving that Iranians are so backward that they can’t use a file to shave off serial numbers.

A Pentagon spokesmen later revealed to this reporter that many of the weapons not only had serial numbers but little tags reading: “This missile belongs to Arkam Bamshad. If found, please return to 1814 Elm Street, Tehran.”

Several lawmakers believe that not only is Iranian influence deeply embedded in Iraq but in the United States as well. Said one Connecticut Senator, who asked not to be identified because he’s already seen as a feckless suck-up, “Look at what happened in Boston, last week, with those ‘Cartoon Network’ bomb threats.

“Clearly this is the work of militant Iranian jihadists. Who are they trying to kid with their ‘Aqua Teen Hunger Force’ jive? Nobody names a cartoon show that in a free society. And the characters: the talking milkshake, box of fries and the dumb meatball? Puleeze. Even their names betray their origin.

” ‘Master Shake’ isn’t so far from ‘Master Sheik’ when you say it really fast. If the name ‘Frylock’ isn’t anti-Semitic, I don’t know what is. And ‘Meatwad’ is obviously a slap at, not only our President, but also all of his supporters.

“Real Americans watch classic cartoons, like ‘Droopy Dog.’ You know, the little guy with the big jowls. Only Iranians wouldn’t know that. America loves little guys with big jowls.”

One leading government scientist speaking under a tin foil cone of silence went so far as to hold Iran directly accountable for global warming, “although clearly there is no such thing.

“If there was,” the scientist declared, “then it’s the Iranian government causing it. Mother Earth would never do that to us. She loves people, especially Americans. I mean, we created ‘Disneyland.’ How pro-environment is Disneyland? They pull out all the park’s flowers just before they start to wilt and stick in new ones, under the cover of darkness, so none of the kids will see them die. It makes the kids happy. It makes the bees happy. It’s a win-win.

“I’m thinking the Iranians are keeping their lights and air-conditioners on all night, just to harass Mother Earth. And I KNOW they bankrolled Al Gore’s film.”

Seriously, folks, in the weeks to come, we’re going to witness our government’s PR machine go gonzo, connecting Iran to everything from lost puppies to Mad Cow disease.

It’s not going to be pretty.

What better way to take the focus off our Iraq debacle than to lob a few Patriot missiles into Iran because THEY caused the Iraq mess?

Last week, MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann asked guest Flynt Leverett, the National Security Council’s former senior director of Middle East affairs and currently a senior fellow at the New American Foundation, if he found it shocking that Bush’s new verbal assault on Iran was so similar to the rhetoric aimed at Iraq before our invasion.

Said Leverett: “No, because in many ways the rhetoric in the run-up to the war on Iraq worked. The president singled Iraq out to justify military action there on three particular issues, Iraq‘s links to terrorism, including what were alleged to be direct links to al Qaeda, its weapons of mass destruction capabilities, and it‘s regional meddling, that was making the region unstable.

“And if you look at the rhetoric on Iran right now, Iran is being singled out for basically the same things, its links to terrorism. The president basically, in the State of the Union Address, equated Iran as a Shia version of al Qaeda. Of course, there is the nuclear issue and concern about the Iran‘s weapons of mass destruction ambitions. And then the president is accusing Iran of regional meddling, being the principal source of instability in the region, much as he did with Iraq in the run up to the invasion of Iraq in 2003.”

Queried Olbermann: “Focusing in about the Karbala raid, attackers disguised as Americans. They were wielding American-style M-4‘s and they had stun grenades that were used only by U.S. forces. Reportedly they were able to monitor Iraqi communications. They got through Iraqi checkpoints. Obviously that‘s Iran, right?”

Replied Leverett: “Well, I think it‘s very clear that Iraqi militias and Sunni insurgents in Iraq have been getting better. They have had the benefit of daily live ammunition training, courtesy of the U.S. military, the best military in the world. And it is not surprising, I think, that they would be getting better, more capable, more sophisticated in their tactics. That does not prove that Iran was responsible for this raid.

“Now, Iran has certainly done bad things in the region. It has been a bad actor. It‘s possible they‘re linked to this raid, but there has been no hard evidence put on the table of that. I think it‘s important to keep in mind, though, that if at some point there is some hard evidence that linked Iran to this, keep in mind the context. The president of the United States has accused Iran of fomenting attacks on U.S. forces. He is building up American military forces there, and he‘s ordered the capture or killing of any Iranian that is found in Iraq.

“And there are five Iranians who were detained out of a diplomatic compound in Irbil last week. There is a kind of symmetry between five Iranians detained by U.S. forces and the five American soldiers who were unfortunately killed in this raid.”

When presented with the fact that 99% of the attacks against U.S. troops have been conducted by Sunni militias funded, not by Iran, but by wealthy American Sunnis and some of our allies like Saudi Arabia, Leverett acknowledged the Bush fantasy vs. reality disconnect.

“Well, that‘s right; the Sunni insurgents have been a much bigger problem, in terms of inflicting casualties on U.S. forces than the Shia militias have been. But at this point I don‘t think this is really about a detached analysis of on the ground reality in Iraq. It is about making a case to the American people and to the international community on how bad Iran is, so that the conditions are there, should the president take a decision down the road to use military force against Iran. He has prepared the way, rhetorically.”

Maybe it’s time Congress voted on a “binding” resolution against an Iran incursion, instead of fretting over the verbiage of a non-binding resolution concerning Iraq.

If they hurry, they can get it done before The Deciderer launches a full-tilt war of the words.

If they hesitate? In terms of the war of the words?

Iran’s verbiage will become past tense.

As quickly as Iraq’s has.
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