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Mon

29

Sep

2008

The UnKosher Candidate
Monday, 29 September 2008 09:50
by Will Durst

Settle down people. For crum’s sake, you’re going to burst a collective blood vessel here and end up squirting self- righteous juice all over your nice slacks. All this garment staining simply because Barack Obama said his opponent’s call for change was similar to applying lipstick to a pig. Which made John McCain go crazier than a drunken evangelist in a transvestite strip bar, accusing Obama of insulting Sarah Palin. I’m not sure, but I think the Senator from Arizona called his own Vice Presidential pick a pig. That can’t be good. Or does the wizened albino iguana know something we don’t?

Perhaps the problem is the Democratic nominee needs to be more explicit. In order to determine proper porcine provenance, preciser information needs be provided. What kind of lipstick? And what kind of pig? Not all pork is created equal you know. And neither, as any woman over the age of 12 can tell you, are all lipsticks. What are we talking here: Chanel Rouge Noir on a Jambon de Iberica? Or Maybelline on a Hormel Picnic Ham? Is there a pineapple glaze involved? Some sort of weird double Ruinish clove ring spiked into the top? Is the pig in question publicly displayed or secluded in a poke? And most importantly, do you need a ten- foot pole to poke a pig in a poke?

These new Republican girl rules are strict. First off, you can’t say anything negative about the candidate. “She was in favor of the Bridge to Nowhere before she was against it.” “Sexist pig.” “Being next to Russia gives her foreign policy experience the same way living next to McDonalds makes somebody an expert in FDA regulations.” “Chauvinist.” “Her hair is sort of Amy WInehouse- ish.” “Swine.” “She’s a she.” “Man.” Two legs good. Four legs bad.

If you consider Republicans crying “sexist” a little like a hurricane calling a tornado erratic, you, my friends, are not alone. In addition, certain words have been swept completely off the table since Ms. Palin branded them with her own personal narrative copyright. Until November 5th, nobody in the lower 48 is allowed to use the following words: “pig,” “pitbull,” “lipstick,” “eye- shadow,” “Alaska,” “earmark,” “hockey,” “lacrosse,” “jai alai,” “mom,” “small- town,” “trooper,” “the,” “moose,” and “squirrel,” without the expressed written consent of the RNC, the FEC and Bud Siegel.

Governor Palin is harder to pin down than a greased Berkshire on a Slip N- Slide during a olive oil squirt gun fight. Partly the result of being cloistered for two weeks with Joe Lieberman, cramming for her Vice Presidential finals, soon to be taken with rival, Joe Biden. Whoa. Locked into a room with Joe Lieberman. Maybe we should all cut the little lady some slack. Sorry. Big lady. Big woman. Female candidate. The bespectacled Y chromosome lacking person. This does get complicated doesn’t it?

Her single foray into Charlie Gibson’s paternal grimace penumbra, proved inconclusive. People who liked her, still like her and those who didn’t, don’t. Rick Davis, the Palin/ McCain campaign manager said the press is not going to speak to her again until they start showing some deference. Deference? Politicians demanding deference now? Whoa. What a delicate little flower our raven- haired moose killer turns out to be. Are we going to have to start addressing her as “Your Ladyship?” Will there be pillows for our knees whilst genuflecting? A ring to kiss? I just hope she takes it out of the back pocket of her jeans first.

Catch Will Durst’s campaign update at the first annual Comedy Barbecue at Rancho Nicasio, 415.662.2219, along with Johnny Steele, Deb & Mike, Larry “Bubbles” Brown & Nato Green on Sunday afternoon, September 21st. And his new book, The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing, is still available at Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours.

 
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