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Wed

18

Jun

2008

McCain sells his balls
Wednesday, 18 June 2008 21:14
by Ed Naha

Last week, in an attempt to raise campaign cash, John McCain put his balls up for sale...and was met with derision. No, this event didn't occur at one of McCain's stooge-infested Town Hall Meetings but, rather, on his train-wreck of a web site - you know, the one that initially had such designated areas as "Creating Jobs," "Strategy," "Decision Center" and "Golf."




The balls in question were golf balls, packaged in a $50 sack, and deemed the perfect gift for Father's Day - although the actual package wouldn't arrive until late July. (What a maverick move!) Satisfied customers were invited to post their opinions of McCain's balls. And thus, the floodgates were opened for well-deserved snark, replete with creative double entendres and spelling.

Lobbyist Buddy from Washington D.C. wrote: "The Golf Pack is Great, but when are you going to offer a Joe Lieberman Certified McCain Ballwasher?"

"IRAQ FOREVER!!!" gushed reviewer Mitt Romney from Boston, MA. "I thought that I would give this McBush golf set to Dad for Father's Day as a way to commemorate his leaving Mom for the younger, blonder, much richer woman!!"

Walter San Miguel from Miami Lakes, FL stated: "NOT JUST FOR GOLF. This is just the thing for strolling around the Baghdad Market with 100 soldiers; 2 Blackhawks; and 3 Apache gunships, and then tell us that Baghdad is safe!!!!!"

Jack Abramoff from Washington, DC, enthused: "Yep, good ol' Chinese Quality! Just like we used to make in 'Merica."

Patrick Bryan from Bluefield, GA. was slightly put off. "These balls have 30 years of experience...I thought I was paying for new ones."

Amazingly enough, nobody at the McCain site took note of the deluge of phony comments. So, they continued.

John McJohn from Boulder raved that McCain's sack was "Not just for picking divots." He recounted, "There we were on the 17 th green when a bedbug-ridden terrorist leaped from the hole screaming godless gibberish. My pitiful peace-loving liberal partners grabbed their balls and ran, leaving me alone with only my John McCain equipment for defense. I slung my ball bag at his head and leaping atop the mangy rascal jammed my stiff club down his throat, finally finishing him off by jerking my McCain brand divot picker up his misshapen nose. Thank you, John McCain for giving me the courage to fight!"

After nearly a day of perverse postings, news of this comic event began circulating on the Internet, with sites linking to the laugh fest. More comments came in from anonymous merry pranksters.

"I was disappointed," ventured LAW from USA. "When I think 'McCain,' I think 'old balls and loose skin.' These balls were pretty much straight out of the factory, and there was no loose skin at all. What a bunch of bull."

"I LOVE it," typed Gramps from Florida. "I love this kit. I appreciate the compartment for my soiled Depends (TM)."

A full day passed. Still, nobody at McCain's site noticed the snark tsunami. So, it continued.

Under the heading "Consolation prize," Carol Shepp McCain from Virginia Beach, VA, opined, "I got mangled in a car accident and got dumped for a younger richer woman and all I got was this stupid golf gear. Sheesh!"

Grand Ol' Duffer from Fartsville, OH, wrote, "Great for throwing at kids to GET OFF MY LAWN YOU LITTLE JERKS!"

Gny. Sgt. Hartman from Paris Island, SC, noted, "Perfect for sand traps. Great gift for your friends and loved ones in the military that are trapped in the sand for the next 100 years."

LVA Forkush from Sherman Oaks, CA was philosophical. "My friend George says these balls will last 50 years, but then I heard that Senator McCain said, 'Make it one hundred.' I'm going to invest my children's future with John McCain's balls!"

Rush L. from Millwood, WA enthused: "I love these balls! Although, to be perfectly fair, I enjoy darker colored balls from the Dominican more."

Jesus H. Crist from Lime jello cottage cheese background was non-committal. "Adequate replacements for the balls I was required to leave behind last time I visited Bob Jones University."

"I can't believe what John McCain is packing!" gushed Richard C. Mongler from Virginia Beach, VA, before launching into a detailed rave.

"These balls are fantastic. I tell you, I've tried many balls, but these are by far the best. Entirely white, rolling John McCain's balls around in my hands is a pure pleasure. I can feel each individual dimple, and they're so adorable up close, the way I like to examine balls to ensure the highest quality.

"The downside is that these golf balls almost feel like they've been painted over something that was once pasty white and older than one might think. If I press hard enough I think I can feel some scars, but then again it's never a good idea to press too hard on one's balls. Nevertheless, it might be why these balls tend to get stuck in quagmires or sand.

"If you've got George W. Bush's golf pack, you'll probably like this one. Their balls look almost exactly alike when they're sitting right next to each other and they perform in the same fashion. I know I have my own personal balls that have always worked for me, but I think I could spend hours playing with John McCain's!"

After nearly two days and nine pages of snark, someone at the McCain site must have noticed that there were a lot of satisfied customers raving about McCain's balls but not many consumers actually gobbling them up. Someone then must have read the comments. They all were yanked off pronto. The site also eliminated the prospect of any further raves by dismantling that option. McCain's balls, however, remained for sale.

So, with McCain's site now devoid of unintentional humor, we must look to McCain himself for comic relief. After two weeks of warning about the perils of global warming, for instance, he's called for the federal moratorium on offshore drilling and oil exploration to be lifted.

After being criticized for his endorsement of the privatization of Social Security, McCain insisted that he wasn't for privatization. He was for personal accounts.

His tax plan, hailed by his supporters as a way to boost the economy and help the working class, was deemed by The Tax Policy Center to be even more "regressive" than George Bush's.

News recently leaked out that one of the folks being mulled as a possible McCain running mate, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, had actually taken part in an exorcism. Ah, the devil's in the details.

McCain released a cheek-to-jowl photo of himself and Joe Lieberman under the banner "The McCain Team" at the same time Joe declared himself the head of "Citizens for McCain." Joe is doing this as a private citizen, not a politician, mind you. Or a suck-up who would love to be Veep.

McCain's first Town Hall Meeting, televised by Fox and touted as being a gathering of Republicans, Democrats and Independents, was actually filled with McCain boosters.

After the Supreme Court ruled that Guantanamo detainees have legal rights McCain, within the span of 24 hours, went from saying "...it is a decision the Supreme Court has made. Now we need to move forward. As you know, I always favored closing of Guantanamo Bay and I still think we ought to do that," to "The Supreme Court yesterday rendered a decision which I think is one of the worst decisions in the history of the country." I wonder if his web site sells flip-flops?

After Barack Obama took a pass on McCain's proposal for ten Town Hall-style debates, a McCain spokesman sniffed, "Barack Obama requires more preconditions to meet with voters and John McCain than he does Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." It should be noted that McCain didn't utter this himself. He still refers to Ahmadinejad as "that guy."

McCain, trying to shove the old Obama "bitter" pill down the public's throats, said that he didn't agree with Obama saying that small town folks "cling to their religion and the Constitution because they're bitter." They bitterly cling to the Constitution? That would befuddle any Republican. They tossed that rag years ago.

Cindy McCain, who first put the McCain web site on the map with plagiarized recipes from the Food Network, just submitted "Cindy McCain's Oatmeal-Butterscotch Cookies" recipe to "Family Circle" magazine. According to HuffPo, it's a direct steal from a recipe on the Hershey's chocolate site.

Explaining why Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught in the mountains of Pakistan, McCain succinctly chalked it up to geography and history. "The next time you can go on the Internet and you can look at the countryside and there is a reason why it hasn't been governed since Alexander the Great. They are ruled by about, as my understanding, 13 tribal entities and nobody has ever governed them." He stopped himself before going into how the whole Colin Farrell, Angelina Jolie, Val Kilmer casting ruined the movie for him.

In a nationally televised interview, McCain noted that the date of American forces returning from Iraq wasn't "too important." He later said his comment was taken out of context.

During the same interview, when McCain touted the infamous Surge as working, Matt Lauer asked, "If it's now working, Senator, do you now have a better estimate of when American forces can come home from Iraq?"

"No," answered McCain.

Rimshot!

Apparently, McCain is ready to run the country as effectively as he runs his web site. So, visit his site soon, folks and snap up those gift packages pronto...before McCain's balls are totally a thing of the past.
 
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