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Tue

01

Jan

2008

The 2007 ‘WTF?’ Awards
Tuesday, 01 January 2008 07:15
by Ed Naha

It’s that time of year, boys and girls. A time when the voices in my head and I gaze back on the events of 2007, shout “WTF?” and give out awards accordingly. This past year was exceedingly challenging in that nearly every headline that included the name of any Republican politician earned WTF? kudos. So, keeping in mind the intense winnowing process, may I present the winners of the “2007 WTF? AWARDS.”

The STUPE TO NUTS AWARD goes to our President, George W. Bush who, at a recent press conference, declared: “And so, you know, kind of Psychology 101 ain’t working. It’s just not working, you know?”

Couple that quote with the recent Associated Press headline “U.S. Pain-Killer Use Goes Through Roof – 5 Major Drugs Up 90% Over 8 Years” and you get into a sort of cause and effect kinda deal, you know?

Bush also receives the JULIA CHILDS ON ACID FOREIGN POLICY AWARD. After interviewer Jim Lehrer compared Iraq to a “broken egg,” Bush said: “I don’t quite view it as the broken egg. I view it as the cracked egg… where we still have a chance to move beyond the broken egg. And I thought long and hard about the decision, Jim. Obviously it’s a big decision for this theater in the war on terror, and you know, if I didn’t believe we could keep the egg from fully cracking, I wouldn’t ask 21,000 kids – additional kids to go into Iraq to reinforce those troops that are there.”

This is why family members don’t allow Bush to cook breakfast. His depleted uranium omelets are to die for.
In the same Lehrer interview, Bush snagged the valued SHORT ‘N’ SWEET AWARD for his summation of war. “Look, death is terrible.” You can tell he’s been reading Camus.

Republicans who claim that the surge in Iraq is working get the PUT ON A HAPPY FACE AWARD. Here are two Associated Press headlines: “Army Suicide Rate Highest In 26 Years” and “2007 Deadliest for US Troops in Iraq.” Blinders, anyone?

The NUANCE ‘R’ US AWARD goes to Dick Cheney. During a political interview, the Veep was asked if he had become more isolated. Cheney thought for a moment before stating: “I don’t think so. I spend as much time as I can, get out and do other things — at home in Wyoming, or yesterday I managed to go shopping with my daughter for a birthday present for granddaughters.”

And, after a family game of Scrabble, he attempted to carpet-bomb Iran before dinner.

Donald Rumsfeld gets this year’s prized BUBBLE BOY AWARD for stating that “I have not even attempted” to follow what’s going on in Iraq because he’s too busy “arranging my papers.” Yeah, it’s hard to make redacted paper airplanes at the home.

The MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY AWARD, once again, goes to our President who summed up his political philosophy thusly: “And so you know what the lesson is in life? Just do what you think is right. Make decisions based upon principle.” Damn the NIE! Full speed ahead!

The PRESS SECRETARY-IN-TRAINING AWARD goes to “The View’s” inadvertent comedian Sherri Shepherd who declared, “I don’t know if the world is flat.” A few weeks later she declared, “I don’t think anything predated Christians,” shooting down the myth of “B.C.” history and, alas, the existence of the Old Testament. When the whole “B.C.” concept was alluded to in terms of Greek civilization, she stated: “Jesus came first before them.”

In terms of her flat Earth comment, she later explained: “I was so nervous, all I heard was, ‘How many triglycerides does it take to make Pluto when the Robitussin comes and the Earth’s sun?’ so when they asked me I was like ‘I don’t know!’…You know, you have one of the senior brain poopy moments.”

I’m thinking Cabinet position if Huckabee is elected.

Mitt Romney is the recipient of the APPLES AND ORANGES AWARD for uttering: “I am in favor of stem-cell research. I am not in favor of creating new human embryos through cloning.” This is closely akin to saying: “I am in favor of breathing. I don’t like Swiss cheese.” Talk about leadership qualities!

The TRUTH IN ADVERTISING AWARD goes to Senator Joe Biden for this sound bite: “I mean, think about it. Rudy Giuliani. There’s only three things he mentions in a sentence – a noun and a verb and 9/11. I mean, there’s nothing else.” To give Giuliani some credit, sometimes he actually says “September 11th.”

Our favorite Veep once again tackles logic to earn him the vaunted WELL, DUHHHH AWARD. Quizzed as to why Osama bin Laden hasn’t been captured, delightful Dick replied: “Well, obviously, he’s well hidden.” And we have the Intel to prove it. See all those trees over there? Bin Laden isn’t there.

New Hampshire state co-chair of Veterans for Rudy, John Deady, is the hands-down winner of this year’s GIVE PEACE A CHANCE…OR ELSE AWARD for declaring, re: Rudy - “He’s got, I believe, the knowledge and the judgment to attack one of the most difficult problems in current history and that is the rise of the Muslims, and make no mistake about it, this hasn’t happened for a thousand years. These people are very dedicated and they’re also very, very smart in their own way. We need to keep their feet to the fire and keep pressing these people until we defeat or chase them back to their caves or in other words get rid of them.”

Deady, who said he doesn’t “subscribe to the principle that there are good Muslims and bad Muslims,” left the campaign within 48 hours. Presumably, his political career is deady in the water.

The DEAD-EYE DICK AWARD goes to Mike Huckabee who, while pheasant hunting in Iowa, fired a shotgun blast over reporters’ heads. He managed to bag three pheasants, displaying the birds and quipping: “Don’t get in my way. This is what happens.” Gimme dat old time religion.

The KAHLIL GIBRAN WANNA-BE AWARD goes to Madonna who opined: “I want to be like Gandhi, Martin Luther King, John Lennon, Jesus. But I want to stay alive.” Uh, what moves would Jesus bust?

Fred Thompson earns this year’s MR. LONELY AWARD. After giving a speech before a room filled with glassy-eyed, silent Republicans he asked, “Can I have a round of applause?” Sure. And please enjoy this lovely parting gift, too.

The prized WHAT ME, WORRY? AWARD was easily snared by former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales whose trademark phrase, “I don’t recall” had Congress in stitches after being uttered 122 times. Alberto, now retired, is working on a new signature phrase. Something along the lines of: “Whatchew talkin’ ‘bout, coppers?”

Miss Teen South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton receives this year’s IS OUR CHILDREN LEARNING? AWARD. In response to the question: “Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?” she replied:

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and I believe that they should, our education over here in the US should help the US, er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.”

She is currently negotiating to ghost write Karl Rove’s memoirs.

There’s a tie for 2007’s BLOW ME DOWN AWARD. Republican Rep. Bob Allen of Florida, Chairmen of that state’s McCain campaign, was pinched for offering a male undercover cop $20 for the chance to play his skin flute. Allen, who’s against gays being allowed to adopt, denied the charges saying that he offered the cop the money because the officer was “a burly black man” and Allen “didn’t want to become a statistic.”

That’s almost as interesting as Glenn Murphy Jr., Chairman of the Young Republican National Federation, who allegedly got a fellow Young Republican drunk enough to pass out and, then, whilst the lad slumbered attempted to swallow the kid’s, er, pride. Murphy resigned, citing an “unexpected business opportunity.” Like…monkey business?

Wow! It’s great how Republicans court the snake handlers’ vote! Is that a big tent or are you just glad to see me?

Radio pundit Michael Savage gets this year’s I THImK; THEREFORE I AM AWARD for his deeply philosophical assessment of California’s Democratic Rep. Jane Harman’s objection to waterboarding. “Would you rather be waterboarded for 30 seconds or eat Jane Harman’s ravioli?” Attorney General Mukasey refused comment, not knowing the definition of “ravioli.”

The DAVID COPPERFIELD AWARD goes to The White House. So far, some five million official governmental emails have simply disappeared. On the plus side, Vice-President Dick Cheney recently pulled a rabbit out of his ass. And shot it.

The DANCE FEVER AWARD goes to Idaho Senator Larry Craig who, while serving as Liaison for Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign, was pinched for soliciting sex from a male undercover cop in an airport bathroom. Craig denied the charges, stating that his in-stall tap dance was a result of his “wide stance.” He later added: “I am not gay.” Hell, Larry, you’re not even festive.

The I CAN’T DANCE, DON’T MAKE ME AWARD goes to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who professed: “In Iran, we don’t have homosexuals, like in your country.” For the record, it IS difficult to tap dance in sandals.

Joe Lieberman is the recipient of this year’s DON’T LET THE BORE HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT AWARD. After endorsing gung-ho geezer John McCain for president, Joltin’ Joe summed up his political status: “There’s no question that at times I think some of the Democrats look at me sort of like the… eccentric uncle, perhaps even the odd uncle at the family gatherings: ‘We like him, but every now and then he says things that makes us wonder.’’’

At least he’s not Cheney’s distant cousin.

The DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HISTORY AWARD goes to: George W. Bush. Last July, speaking before an invite-only audience of West Virginia Air National Guard troops, Bush declared: “Our first Independence Day celebration took place in a midst of a war – a bloody and difficult struggle that would not end for six more years before America finally secured her freedom. More than two DECADES later, it is hard to imagine the Revolutionary War coming out any other way…” Time flies when you’re having fun.

The REALLY DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HISTORY AWARD goes to White House flack Dana Perino. When a reporter referenced the Cuban Missile Crisis, Perino bluffed her way through a response, later admitting: “I was panicked a bit because I really don’t know about…the Cuban Missile Crisis… It had to do with Cuba and Missiles I’m pretty sure.

“I came home and I asked my husband. I said, ‘Wasn’t that like the Bay of Pigs thing?’ And he said, ‘Oh, Dana.’”

Rumor has it that she later brushed up on her history and discovered that the Bay of Pigs thing was not a reference to Kosher food preparation.

THE REALLY, REALLY DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HISTORY AWARD is shared by all conservative pundits who have compared George W. Bush to Winston Churchill. Yeah, I can see the similarities. They both have feet.

THE DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HISTORY AND DON’T GIVE A GOOD GODDAMN AWARD goes to Karl Rove who recently claimed that the Democratic Congress pushed Bush into invading Iraq by demanding a vote before the 2002 mid-terms authorizing the use of force despite the fact that the Administration didn’t want it.

Said Rove, “We thought it made it too political. We wanted it outside the confines of it. It seemed to make things move too fast. There were things that needed to be done to bring along allies and potential allies abroad.”

Rove has just signed a book deal wherein he will reveal other little-known facts concerning recent American history including: Al Gore threw the 2000 election. Iran is the source of all acne cases in America. Saddam Hussein hung himself after bombing his own country and blaming the U.S. and Dubya’s farts actually smell like “Cherry Garcia” ice cream.

Fearless pundit Keith Olbermann is awarded this year’s ONE FROM COLUMN A, ONE FROM COLUMN B prize for summing up our presidential situation thusly: “A pathological presidential liar, or an idiot-in-chief. It is the nightmare scenario of political science fiction.” It is also a major plank of the Republican Party.

Republican Louisiana Senator David Vitter is the lucky recipient of this year’s HO-HO-HO AWARD, his name showing up as a client of the “D.C. Madam.” Vitter copped to diddling with danger only AFTER Hustler publisher Larry Flynt called him up and told him that he was on the naughty list. In a prepared statement, Vitter said: “Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there-with God and them.”

Following His stint in the counseling sessions, God reportedly accompanied the Vitter family to a showing of “Knocked Up,” which God found “delightfully touching despite its raunchy premise.”

The KARL ROVE TRUTHINESS AWARD goes to Pakistan’s Interior Minister, who told the world that former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto’s death was caused, not by an assassin’s bullets nor by the suicide bomber who blew himself up next to Bhutto’s van, killing 22 supporters, but by a concussion. Bhutto, he said, was ducking back into the van when she bonked her head on the sunroof’s handle.

To be fair, this is better than the original government versions: 1) she slipped on a bar of soap, 2) she held her breath until she turned blue just out of spite, and, 3) she never existed.

The GNASHING OF THE CHRIST AWARD goes to Mike Huckabee for opining: “I hope we answer the alarm clock and take this nation back for Christ.” Shortly thereafter, a cock crowed three times.

Pundit Joe Scarborough wins this year’s GENDER BENDER AWARD for stating that “the difference between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton is Barack Obama is man enough to stand up in a debate and say ‘Hillary, you are not being consistent.’” You do not want to go out on a double date with Joe.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice earns the MARCEL MARCEAU AWARD for traveling around the world and saying absolutely nothing for twelve months running.

The WEE DOGGIES AWARD goes to professional Troglodyte Michael Vick who considered dogs tearing each other apart a “sport.” Here’s hoping he’s put in a place where neither Lassie nor Ellen DeGeneres can rescue him.

And, lastly, on a roll, our President earns this year’s SQUARE PEG IN A ROUND HOLE AWARD for this hard-hitting statement on the war against drugs: “I’ve just come from a, a, uhh, roundtable, or was it a square table, but either way, it was a… it was a table where I met with community activists and, umm, youth leaders, people who’ve heard a call to, uhh, to answer, uhh, our nation’s need to be engaged in a fierce battle against drug abuse… those who encourage it and those who profit from it. Uhh…” Well said, sir! You’ve just sent my Spell-Check into retard mode!

So, let’s all bid a fond farewell to 2007 and enthusiastically embrace 2008 like Titanic passengers did their life vests. Remember: the sun will come out tomorrow!

Unless it’s cloudy.
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Jimmy Montague said:

Jimmy Montague
Only one question remains:
What was Perino doing to her husband when he said "Oh, Dana"?
 
January 02, 2008
Votes: +0

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