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Thu

23

Aug

2007

In Sickness and in Stealth
Thursday, 23 August 2007 01:53
by Ed Naha

It’s been a busy month for our President. He’s had a few polyps and a turd blossom surgically removed and his doctors have revealed that, a year ago, he was treated for Lyme disease. The physicians waited twelve months before making this fact public in order to give the offending tick enough time to ready itself to take Karl Rove’s place.

Lyme disease, even if treated, can cause muscle and joint pains, arthritis, cognitive defects, sleep disturbance and fatigue for years. Bush is also recovering from an inner ear infection and sinus infection as well as a virus that resulted in a stomach bug in June and still causes the President some mild dizziness and disorientation.

The sad thing is: with Bush, disorientation is national policy. He could start speaking in tongues in public and nobody would notice.

Bush is plagued by several other ailments, according to an anonymous former White House source (thanks, Scooter).

He is prone to Bizarro Bifocalism, a condition that leads the patient to see things as being the opposite of what they truly are. Take Iraq, for instance. Over 400 innocent civilians can be blown up in a day. 190,000 American weapons can get “lost.” Billions of dollars can disappear. There is little or no drinking water. Electricity makes an appearance for only an hour or two a day in major cities. The Maliki government is in a shambles. Forty-nine Americans have died in Iraq this month, with 3,707 the total for the invasion thus far. The Army’s suicide rate is the highest in 26 years, with 99 active duty troops finding the ultimate exit strategy last year. A government report states: “…there was a significant relationship between suicide attempts and number of days (troops were) deployed” in Iraq and Afghanistan. Bush’s reaction? Extend the time spent in Iraq on a tour of duty and claim “We’re making progress.”

When queried about a Red Cross report that found that interrogation techniques used by the CIA were tantamount to torture, Bush summed up: “I haven’t seen it. We don’t torture.”

When asked if Bush would change American law to allow statutory royalties to performers for radio and television airplay, Bush answered: “Help! Maybe you’ve never had a President say this – I have, like, no earthly idea what you’re talking about.”

Bush also is saddled with Optical Delusions, yet another cognitive glitch causing reality to just disappear! The Stock Market is behaving like a spastic Super Ball. Sales of existing homes fell 41% last quarter. U.S. home foreclosure filings rose 58% in the first six months of this year and could surpass 2 million in ’07. Currently, America is averaging one filing for every 134 households.

The number of foreclosures in July jumped 9% from June. The number of foreclosures from July, 2006 to July, 2007 jumped 93%!

Walmart recently cut its financial earnings projections for the year, its Chairman explaining, “It is no secret that many customers are running out of money toward the end of the month.”

A national survey this year stated that four out of ten U.S. workers live from paycheck to paycheck (with women, it was nearly five out of ten). The survey also revealed that 19% of workers who earn $100,000 or more annually often or always live paycheck to paycheck. And 20% of Americans can’t afford to set aside ANY money for savings.

All of this moves Bush to declare: “The American economy is the envy of the world, and we need to keep it that way.”

Bush also suffers from Lou Costello’s disease, an ailment that causes the infected to think he or she is funny while uttering wince-inducing bon mots. Take this exchange between Bush and the BBC’s Nick Robinson…please!

Bush: “Next time you should cover your bald head.”

Robinson: “I didn’t know you cared.”

Bush: “I don’t.”

Presidential rim shot! Haw! Haw!

Yet another condition found in Bush is Terminal Senor Wencesism, wherein the words of others are devoured, stripped of all meaning and, then, spewed out for mass consumption.

Take the highly touted Iraq War reports to be delivered by Gen. David H. Patraeus and Ambassador Ryan C. Crocker. Word leaked last week that the actual report would be written by White House staffers culled from the words of Patraeus and Crocker (so you know it’ll be hard hitting). Patraeus and Crocker would appear before lawmakers only in closed session while Condoleezza Rice and Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates would do all the public spinning. When word of this, um, arrangement hit the press, the White House retreated stating, enigmatically, “The administration plans to follow the requirements of the (war-funding) legislation.” The legislation calls for Patraeus and Crocker to speak in public to lawmakers.

Now, it seems, Patraeus will publicly give his report, according to The White House, “on or around September 11th.” There is no word whether Rudy Giuliani will appear as a ghoul.

Bush also seems to be suffering from Ian Flemingitus, wearing dark glasses in dark rooms while allowing federal and local authorities to access information on the comings and goings of American citizens via the Defense Department’s fleet of spy satellites. The idea has been proposed in the past but military experts have questioned whether domestic use of these satellites would violate the Posse Comitatus Act, which bars the military from engaging in law-enforcement activity inside the U.S. Since Bush considers the Constitution a “piece of paper,” this fall could find many of us facing the skies and saying “cheese.”

On a related note, people using CIA and FBI computers have secretly changed Wikipedia entries on Iraq, Guantanamo and other highpoints of the Bush Administration.

The dreaded “Genius Envy” psychological glitch appears often in our President. This is a condition wherein the afflicted feels inhibited when appearing with someone who appears smarter or more eloquent than he or she. Unfortunately, for Bush, everyone seems smarter and more eloquent than he, from the cast of “High School Musical 2” to the patients on “The Dog Whisperer.”

This leads Bush to play up his Gomer-esque goofiness, offering the distinguished President of France either a hot dog or a hamburger down on the ranch or quipping to Britain’s Prime Minister Brown, who had just mentioned that six people in his cabinet were under 40, “You must be feeling damn old, then.”

Can’t wait for that U.N. toga party.

Wimphoma has also reared its ugly head during this Administration, with the afflicted Bush appointing to his staff some of the biggest, most unqualified wieners in modern history from Brownie to Scooter. And who can forget Seedy Gonzales, a fellow who believes it’s perfectly swell to lie before Congress. Bush’s assessment? “I haven’t seen Congress say he’s done anything wrong. As a matter of fact, I believe we’re watching a political exercise. I mean, this is a man who has testified. He’s sent thousands of papers up there. There’s no proof of wrong. Why would I hold somebody accountable who has done nothing wrong?”

To reward Gonzales for his verbosity, Bush, through a little-noticed change in the Patriot Act, plans on giving Seedy authority to limit the time death row inmates can spend on appeals before being executed!

And, then, there’s Bush’s classic battle with Foot In Mouth Disease. Here’s our leader summing up Iraq: “I think it’s very important for us to make it clear to those who are in harm’s way that these missions will be driven not by local politics but by conditions on the ground, because success in Afghanistan and Iraq will be an integral part of defeating an enemy and helping people realize the great blessings of liberty as the alternative to an ideology of darkness that spreads its murder to achieve its objectives.”

Got that? Try diagramming that sentence without having your head explode.

So, seeing what Bush has done to this country, and will continue to do for the next year or so, and knowing that he has top-flight doctors watching over him, what do we do?

Shall we all send him a “Get Well Quick” greeting?

Or shall we all send each other “Sorry For Your Loss” cards?

I’m thinking the latter.
 
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