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Wed

11

Jul

2007

The Dud
Wednesday, 11 July 2007 14:42
by Ed Naha

When a firework fizzles instead of sizzles, it’s known as a “dud.”

Which brings us to our President. As I write this, he’s giving his “Iraq is hard” speech for the 270th time. Last week, though, on the 4th of July, I believe he reached the zenith of his nadir, comparing the Iraq invasion with our own Revolutionary War. Yes, he did.

At this point, Bush is so far removed from any Earthly reality, that national news pool reportage is done via the Hubble Telescope.

Appearing before an invite-only audience of West Virginia Air National Guard troops and their families, Bush immediately awed the crowd by stating: “This isn’t the first time our country has celebrated the 4th of July.”

There was a stunned silence from all in attendance who thought they were there to celebrate a very loud Easter.

Bush donned his historian hat, pointing out “Our first Independence Day celebration took place in a midst of a war – a bloody and difficult struggle that would not end for six more years before America finally secured her freedom. More than two DECADES later, it is hard to imagine the Revolutionary War coming out any other way…”

In the audience, people with calculators blew out their batteries. Those with command of the English language got migraines. Several children began sniffling, imaging the Easter bunny in a bloody and difficult struggle.

Undaunted by facts, Bush continued:

 “Those who wear the uniform are the successors of those who dropped their pitchforks and picked up their muskets to fight for liberty. Like those early patriots, you’re fighting a new and unprecedented war – pledging your lives and honor to defend our freedom and way of life. In this war, the weapons have changed, and so have our enemies, but one thing remains the same: The men and women of the Guard stand ready to put on the uniform and fight for America.”

Clearly, if Bush were in charge during our Revolutionary War, he would have battled the British by taking a flotilla of troops across the sea and attacking Sweden. (Thus teaching Sweden an important lesson – the ocean will no longer protect you.)

I cringe whenever Bush goes near a microphone. You never know what crap he’ll spew. “Everything changed after 9/11!” “Remember the Maine!” or “Who stole my strawberries!?”

Yet, still he persists.

For anyone not paying attention, the Iraq fiasco has been compared to the American Civil War, World War II, post-war Germany, post-war Japan, the Korean War and the Vietnam War.

Somehow, World War I has been left out of the mix, presumably because Bush thought the term “fighting doughboys” had something to do with belligerent biscuits from Pilsbury.

For all his raucous rhetoric, Bush has seen his popularity sink like a stone. If Bush’s poll ratings were transformed into Fahrenheit degrees, he’d be dog sledding instead of biking down in Crawford.


With over 70% of Americans against the Iraq invasion, perhaps it’s time Bush went to his speechwriters and asked them to make his Iraqi comparisons a little zippier. I mean, the guy will say anything these days.

He could try appealing to the young hunks of the country, by doing a Frank Miller spin. “Our men and women in uniform, today, are like the 300 Spartans who stood their ground against thousands of Persian troops led by Xylophone or somebody. They fought bravely until the end and would have won if the Democrats in Athens had allowed another surge. There’s a lesson to be learned from this. Democrats are wieners.”

Maybe he could appeal to film buffs. “The situation in Iraq reminds me of the movie ‘Godzilla Vs. the Thing.’ Now, the ‘thing’ was really Mothra. Some suit in Hollywood changed the Japanese title. Anyhow, like we were attacked on 9/11, Japan was attacked by Godzilla. Admittedly, we didn’t tangle with a 2,000-foot tall lizard with radioactive breath, but you catch my drift. Our troops are a lot like Mothra, a giant moth that spit out goop and was peaceful, like America. Goaded into battle, Mothra was only supported by two six-inch Jap gals who sang a lot. They’re like the Republican base. Seemingly outmatched, Mothra flew into battle and spit out all this goopy stuff and eventually K.O.’d Godzilla. It reminds me of World War II when Winston Churchill said: “I laugh at danger and spit in the eye of fear.” Or, maybe, it was “I spit at danger and laugh in the eye of fear.” Anyhow, he laughed and spit a lot. Wait a minute. It might not have been Churchill. Might’ve been Woody Allen.”

He could try dredging up the memory of 9/11 one more time, too. “Now, a lot of people say that there’s a civil war going on in Iraq. That our troops are battling both Shiites and Sunnis. They’re wrong. We’re battling al Qaeda. The same people responsible for 9/11. They’re everywhere. Underground. Up in trees. Hiding in hampers. We know they’re al Qaeda because they wear name tags and distinctive beanies. And they mock us. Not only do they assault us with IEDs, but with sarcasm. A lot of ‘yo’ mama’ stuff. They want us to cut and run. They want us to leave. Then, they’ll follow us home and really start dissing us. And what will our other enemies in the neighborhood think if we cut and run? Evildoers like Iran? The Iranians will pull down their pants and laugh at us. Of course, Democratic homos would love that. But that’s not going to happen on my watch.”

Or, he could keep it simple. “I had lunch with God today. It’s in the bag.”

And, so, with God on his side, Bush digs his heels in and leaves our troops to fend for themselves. As of this writing, 30 Americans have died this month and 3 British troops. The “official” tally of American troops slain is 3609, with 112 of those being suicides. Attacks on America’s “Green Zone” are up. Nearly 250 innocent Iraqis died this past weekend. How many tens of thousands of Iraqi men, women and children will never live to pick up a pitchfork, let alone throw one down?

As Bush stays the course and Neo-Cons prepare for the ’08 election by revealing that Nazis and Fascists were really Liberals (I’m not kidding.), and Iraq continues to crumble, may I offer my own humble advice to our Commanderer-in-Grief? Next time you come across a pitchfork? Sit on it.
 
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