Home     Writers     Op/Ed     Book Reviews     News     Bookstore     Photoshops     Submit     Search     Contact Us     Advertise  
  You are here: 





Monday, 23 April 2007 23:37

by Will Durst

I’m afraid it is my duty to impart some bad news, people and I advise you all to sit down before you fall down. The Attorney General of the United States apparently is suffering from a horrible disease. Best case scenario is we’re talking a tertiary case of situational amnesia here. And for a lawyer, that can’t be good. In his recent appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Alberto Gonzales was unable to recall anything…45 times. And that was before lunch. Maybe it’s simply a case of hypoglycemia, since after lunch, he only couldn’t recollect 29 times. I don’t mean to minimize the critical nature of this crisis but the solution seems obvious to me: between meal snacks.

The scary part is, as head of the Justice Department, Gonzales is ostensibly the country’s top lawyer, although after this performance, I doubt if he’s destined to be the top lawyer on the Greyhound he’ll soon be riding back to Texas. Hey, he’s the guy who said “the moment I believe I can no longer be effective, I will resign as Attorney General,” and right about now even his staunchest supporters have to be ordering mylar balloons delivered to the D of J with “don’t let the door hit you in the butt on the way out” stenciled on them.

When asked about the decision to fire 8 federal prosecutors, Gonzales insisted he wasn’t involved, then after e-mails about meetings he attended were released, okay, maybe he was involved. But just a little. Microscopically. An eensy teensy teeny wee bit of a tad. He did admit to making the decision to fire the US Attorneys but couldn’t remember when he made the decision. Seems to be a perennial theme with this Administration. “Had absolutely nothing to do with it. Oh, you have evidence? Nope. Sorry. Can’t remember. Its all a blur.”

At the hearing, Senators accused Bush's torture champion of being dishonest, deceitful, incompetent, evasive, inept, underhanded, misleading, smelling like rancid olive loaf and looking like he’s wearing his father’s burial suit. Not to mention scaring small children with a high squeaky voice that over broadcast airwaves has been known to activate smoke alarms, lawn sprinklers and TIVO recordings of Gladiator movies. And those were the Republicans. With friends like these, who needs Democrats?

Known and very popular cialis coupon which gives all the chance to receive a discount for a preparation which has to be available and exactly cialis coupons has been found in the distant room of this big house about which wood-grouses in the houses tell.

In a show of solidarity the President assured the country that the Attorney General had his full confidence. “Doing a heckuva job, Alberto.” Actually talked about how pleased he was with Gonzales’s performance even though a staffer conceded he had not seen any of the testimony. I’m thinking the main reason he’s supporting him is because “Attorney General” and “Alberto Gonzales” have the same initials and its the only way he can remember who’s filling the position.

The low point may have been when Gonzales attempted to explain away the personnel changes as sometimes coming down to just not the right people at the right time, and South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey Graham asked “If I applied that standard to you, what would you say?" And the entire room erupted into laughter. And you know what, that can’t be good either. For him or for us.

Comic, writer, actor, former radio talk show host and oyster shucker, Will Durst has oil slicks in his memory as well.

Catch Durst at a benefit for the Haight Ashbury Medical Clinic at the Make Out Room in San Francisco on Monday April 23rd: at DC’s Funniest Radio Personality at the DC Improv on Wednesday April 25th, and The Comic Press New’s 16th Anniversary Benefit at Marilyn’s in Sacramento on Thursday April 26th. Or the Listen to his twice weekly commentaries @audible.com/willdurst.

will durst wing commander durstco "you want the best, so do we" 2107 van ness ave suite 402 san francisco 94109 877 SATIRIST service 415 441 3669 office 415 298 1874 cell durst@willdurst.com willdurst.com
More from this author:
by Will Durst If you need more proof that President George Bush is as clueless as a goldfish on a leash in a space shuttle, you obviously...
The Demagogic Whistle Stop (7428 Hits)
by Will Durst   Oh for crum’s sake, people. It was a joke! “If you don’t study in school you’ll end up getting stuck in Iraq.”...
San Francisco Values (6835 Hits)
by Will Durst Hope you were hanging on to something solid Tuesday night because this country lurched so hard to the left, half of Washington...
Who's the Comeback Kid Now? (7478 Hits)
by Will Durst Guess who the Republicans snuck in as Senate Minority Whip? Trent Lott. Yes, that Trent Lott. Welcome back buddy! You’re a...
AND THEY’RE NOT OFF! (7245 Hits)
by Will Durst I startled some guy in the next lane at a red light when I shouted at my radio today. A semi famous network newscaster had come...
Related Articles:
Criminalizing Compassion in the War on Terror: Muslim Charities and the Case of Dr. Rafil A. Dhafir (9149 Hits)
By Katherine Hughes   “The first question which the priest and the Levite asked was: ‘If I stop to help this man, what...
Abu-Jamal Case at Third Circuit, Prosecutor Admits He Had No "True Defense" (7907 Hits)
by Dave Lindorff It's been 25 years now since Philadelphia Police Officer Daniel Faulkner was shot dead in a Center City, Philadelphia red-light...
By Katherine Hughes The Bush administration and its "justice department keeps finding ways to block justice and circumvent the rights the...
Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney Makes the Case for Impeachment (9006 Hits)
by David Swanson As some people learned from the minimal and abusive media coverage, on December 8, 2006, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney...
The Strange Case Of Dirt-Peddler De-Luxe And ‘Dubious Julia’ (7219 Hits)
by Copydude Early last December, at the height of anti-Kremlin hysteria, the Observer turns up with a real story on Litvinenko. Instead of...

Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites
Comments (0)add comment

Write comment
smaller | bigger



Top 123