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Mon

05

Mar

2007

The Lamest Show On Earth!
Monday, 05 March 2007 18:20
by Ed Naha

What’s wrong with this picture? Last week, a weather system extending over 1,000 miles, spawned blizzards at its northernmost point and deadly tornadoes at its southernmost. It was truly a mind-bending event. I turned on cable and there was Chris Matthews chatting with John McCain. 20 people dead from the still-churning twisters alone and I’m watching McCain gas-bag like it matters?

Yes, folks, with the presidential elections only a scant twenty friggin’ months away, the Beltway Bozos have arrived full-tilt! As the war in Iraq rages, Wall Street breaks into The Saint Vitus dance and Mother Nature goes berserk, we are asked to ponder, uh, not much.

Is Obama black enough? Is Hillary too hated? Is Kucinich too short? Is McCain too old? Is Romney a big enough asshole? Another twenty months of this stuff and Americans will be ready to vote for a sack of rocks for President. (Hmmmm. You know? That might not be too bad of an idea.)

Like it or not, we’re going to be inundated with pundits spouting theories about non-theories and politicians spewing rhetoric about nothing like they’re getting paid by the word.

So, here’s what I suggest to make this more audience friendly. Let all the cable networks pool their resources and have this crap on twenty-four/seven (they can take turns). To make it interesting, however, they have to stage everything on a deserted island that’s been transformed into a massive circus/carnival! We don’t need no stinking three rings! We’ll just keep adding rings ad infinitum. Oh, yeah, and all the participants will have to wear funny outfits.


Imagine the hilarity! The Congressional Cage Match will feature Democrats dressed as widdle kids shaking their heads while making “tsk-tsk” sounds and “shame-shame” gestures. Republicans, dressed as Howler monkeys, will crap in their hands and fling it!

In a funny variation of the old “Fireman, Save My Child” clown routine, a burning building called “Iraq” will be battled by Republican bozos led by Mitch McConnell and John Boehner. The punchline? The hose these firemen use to battle the flames is alternately filled with taxpayer’s dollars and hot air!

One crowd-pleaser is bound to be Dick Cheney’s “Mr. Bizarro Mysteriouso” routine where, dressed like Batman’s “The Penguin,” he inverts the truth with a flip of his lip! “We’re winning in Iraq! There’s a Saddam-al Qaeda connection! There are WMDs still buried in Iraq! Democrats enable terrorists!”

For an encore, he dons a black hood, denies he’s Bizarro Mysteriouso and gives snarky interviews as “Mr. Senior Administration Official!”

Alberto Gonzales’ “Whack-A-Fed” game is a real hoot, as well, wherein the player (usually a member of the Department of Justice), tries to whomp pesky Federal prosecutors who do too good a job at exposing corruption. If you get a score of at least eight, you get to watch subpoenas delivered and the persecuted prosecutors sing like canaries in front of Congressional committees!

John McCain shows he’s a major player while juggling one hundred flip-flops and cracking wise as only a 70-year-old fellow can. His song “What’s so bad about sucking up to everybody?” stops the show, or at least slows it down quite a bit.

Droopy Dog Lieberman puts on his sad Emmet Kelly clown make-up and roams the outskirts of the circus, bemoaning the lonely life of a major Bozo and threatening to quit the circus if people don’t start paying attention to him. Nobody does. He leaves the Big Top and becomes a professional mourner at Italian funerals.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama elicit howls of laughter with their classic Punch and Judy show, each hurling insults at each other via the use of spotlighted puppets!

Mitt Romney does a series of conservative impressions via his “Man of A Thousand Faces” skit, named after the silent actor Lon Chaney Sr. who could transform himself into any monster imaginable via makeup and practice. It helped that Chaney was double-jointed and didn’t have a board up his ass, though.

A hilarious “Bob for Adam’s Apples” game booth ends with a tie between Ann Coulter and Dame Edna Everage!

Governor Bill Richardson, the Democrat with the most foreign relations experience, is almost ignored in his “Invisible Man” piece of performance art while Joe Biden roams the crowd with his picture on the side of a milk carton under the logo: “Have You Seen Me?”

Newt Gingrich attempts to be shot out of a cannon but the fuse fizzles.

Rudy Giuliani appears in a hysterical bit wherein he tries to make his political career fit into his current conservative clothes! All this while trying to elude his ex-wives!

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld attempts to do his classic “double-talk” sketch but, midway, he’s beaten to the ground by terrorists who decided to fight him over here because he did such a lousy job of fighting them over there.

Condi Rice, dressed in a fetching leotard, recreates her best “Deer In A Headlight” speeches from the past six years. Several members of Cirque du Soleil, in the audience, commit suicide as a result.

John Edwards and Chris Dodd add their own spin to a classic Abbott and Costello routine, “Who’s On Last?” The punchline comes when Tom Vilsack appears and confesses that it’s him! This is followed by fellow Dems Kucinich and Mike Gravel re-tooling Roy Orbison’s classic “Only the Lonely.” There isn’t a dry eye in the house. Both candidates are given lovely consolation prizes: an Amana fridge and an autographed photo of Howard Dean.

Republican hopefuls Duncan Hunter and Mike Huckabee show up for a “Beat the Press” skit but the press doesn’t. So, instead, they play a spirited game of “Animal Rummy.” Concession sales, outside, go wild. Huckabee eventually joins the fray and consumes an entire steer.

“The Dunk Senator James Inhofe” attraction turns out to be a dud, wherein Inhofe gamely sits on a chair above several ice flows ready to be immersed by the first lucky ball to hit the bull’s-eye below the chair. Unfortunately, before the first ball has a chance to be thrown, the ice has melted and Inhofe is in above his head. The first would-be thrower, Al Gore, shrugs and walks off saying “I told ya you should have seen the movie.”

Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann draws howls by recreating her recent interview when she declared that there are already plans by evil people to divvy up Iraq if America leaves.

“Iran is the trouble maker, trying to tip over apple carts all over Baghdad right now because they want America to pull out. And do you know why? It’s because they’ve already decided that they’re going to partition Iraq.

“And half of Iraq, the western, northern portion of Iraq, is going to be called…. the Iraq State of Islam, something like that. And I’m sorry, I don’t have the official name, but it’s meant to be the training ground for the terrorists. There’s already an agreement made.

“They are going to get half of Iraq and that is going to be a terrorist safe haven zone where they can go ahead and bring about more terrorist attacks in the Middle East region and then to come against the United States because we are their avowed enemy.”

At the end of the speech, John Murtha appears and hits her in the kisser with a custard pie, yelling “Moron!”

Republican hopeful Sam Brownback brings down the house, not to mention IQs, with his stirring ballad “What’s so wrong about the 1880s?” He’s backed by Our Lady of Fetus’ choir, led by choirmaster Rick Santorum and his dog “Heinie.”

Tony Snow nearly steals the show during his “Press Conference Follies of 2006-2007” by answering every question thrown his way with a zippy “I don’t know” and “I like pudding.”

“The Pen of the Pundits” sideshow tent also proves to be a real treat when RNC members encourage circus goers to toss down hunks of raw meat to craving carnivore commentators who scramble over each other to get the newest tidbit. The audience cracks up as the pundits discover, much to their chagrin, that the raw meat treats are actually well-disguised balloons, which blow up in their faces when they bite into them, leaving them with nothing.

Of course what circus would be complete without its headliner? It’s very own Big Top Pee-Wee? In our case, it’s Embattled Brigadier Bush, our very own president. After successfully making over 3,000 flag-draped coffins disappear, he astonishes the audience by taking on the English language and beating it senseless.

“Aardvark! Noodles! Fluidity!” he tells an impressed MSM.

The grand-finale, however, is his Imperial Powers Loop-the-loop, wherein, perched on his mountain bike, he attempts to pedal circles around a crumbling world on rusty ramps. Bush doesn’t make it through his first flaming hoop and he takes a header and lands in a bag of bloodthirsty pretzels. Eventually, he frees himself and blames the audience for not believing in him, like they did other savvy historical figures, like Tinkerbelle.

When the audience howls derisively, covert clown cops appear in the crowd and take all in attendance to an undisclosed location. Bush smirks and starts screaming about somebody stealing his strawberries and the big top is taken down.

And thus ends a very entertaining show.

Now, I don’t know how you feel about circuses, but a Reuters’ headline caught my eye a week or so, ago: “Two clowns shot dead at circus.”

It seems that an unidentified gunman whacked two bozos during their performance at a traveling circus in Columbia. Police chief Jose Humberto Henao told Reuters: “The killings had nothing to do with the show the victims were performing at the time of the incident. We are investigating the motive.”

Maybe the gunman was just sick of stale antics.

Fortunately, here in the States, we don’t have to resort to gunplay to rid ourselves of contrarian clowns. We have remotes to remove them from our TV screens. More deadly still, we have ballot boxes to make them disappear forever.

Begone bozos, or feel our wrath in ’08.
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a guest said:

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vulgar/sacredly funny. thanks
That should be on the telopronto-read non-stop 24/7.

He should be said non-stop, and re-played on every teevee, tavern, radio-frequency,and be served up as a text-homily on Dumbday's. Also, play it's recording with Bach and Beethoven music adagio's until death or until doomsday? How do we cope before we croak and depart this goofy-era? Listen to 'it' 24/7 and twiddle our thumbs. What a time to be on a planet, or is this a dream we will one day wake up, and smile? I'm so hungry I could eat a long-eared mule for lunch, but belly aches. thanks. You make me 'hit' my keyboards and I thought 'it' transformed into a piano?
 
March 06, 2007 | url
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