Home     Writers     Op/Ed     Book Reviews     News     Bookstore     Photoshops     Submit     Search     Contact Us     Advertise  
  You are here: 

Sun

23

Sep

2007

Fun Facts About Invertebrates
Sunday, 23 September 2007 17:56
by Mark W. Bradley

My ten-year-old granddaughter looked up from her science homework the other day and posed me a question she thought would be a real stumper.

"Grampa, what's the world's largest invertebrate life form?"

"That would be the Democratic Party," I replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Because my science book says it's the ‘giant squid.’ They can weigh up to 600 pounds."

Upon hearing this stupefying factoid, I was forced to concede.

"Then I guess your science book is probably correct, sweetheart. Even loaded down with frozen blocks of corporate campaign cash, most Democrats don't weigh that much!"

"I'll bet the Democratic Party is smarter than a giant squid, though," she offered, graciously allowing me to salvage some semblance of academic face.

"I suppose it would depend on the squid," I posited. “That, and the number of Democrats present at the time of the comparison.”

Well, Grampa, what if there were a lot of Democrats, and they were all meeting in Congress, making a really good plan to get us out of Iraq? Who would be smarter then?”

“Definitely the giant squid,” I quipped with confidence. “You see, honey, believe it or not, the more Democratic Congressmen there are in a room, the greater the likelihood the entire quorum will be outwitted by a single marine mollusk, not to mention a reasonably alert jellyfish. Take the Senate Majority for instance...”

But before I could get into my stride, my granddaughter again shifted gears.

“But Grampa, at least Democrats are brave, right? I mean, they have more guts than a squid, don't they?”

“Well technically, sweetheart, we know a squid has guts, because we can see inside it. Squid are transparent, you see, and that’s one thing you could never say about Congressional Democrats. Oh sure, they all claim to have “intestinal” fortitude and the “stomach” for a fight when they’re on the campaign trail, but once they get voted into office they line up to be gutted like nihilistic sardines fighting to get into the can. And once Democratic politicians are eviscerated, they leave behind whatever vestige of moral courage they once possessed as thoughtlessly as a lobster sheds his carapace. They quake in terror at the mere mention of imaginary sea monsters lurking in the Strait of Hormuz, and spend most of their time groveling on bended-fin before a barnacle encrusted, not-very-lifelike cement statue of “King Neptune the Invincible”, something 71% of the other fish find laughable, if not utterly baffling. It’s the damndest thing...”

Still my intrepid granddaughter was undeterred in her valiant attempt to find a place for Congressional Democrats at the apex of the invertebrate food chain.

“There’s just one thing I don’t understand, Grampa. If big old slimy bottom-feeding squid monsters are so much braver, smarter and more powerful than Democrats, then how come one of them doesn’t run for the Senate?”

“One already has, sweetheart,” I replied. “Isn’t there a picture of Joe Lieberman in your science book?”

Mark W. Bradley is a history teacher and political satirist in Sacramento, California. He can be contacted at markwbradley@comcast.net
 
More from this author:
Divided or Not, a House on Fire Cannot Stand (5053 Hits)
by Mark W. Bradley Three months ago, I was one of those progressives who felt that preparing for a Democratic Party victory in the 2006...
"The Involuntary Guest Worker Program" - America's Middle Passage Into the 21st Century (8822 Hits)
by Mark W. Bradley I promised myself I would listen to Tuesday night's “State of the Union” speech with an open mind, and I must now...
The Story of the Three Little Wolves (6221 Hits)
by Mark W. Bradley Chapter One - "A New Dope" Once upon a time in the Kantseatha Forest, there lived three hungry little wolves...
Why Can’t They All Just Get Along? (3274 Hits)
by Mark W. Bradley Four years ago (shortly after moving into the neighborhood where I currently live), it was brought to my attention that a...
Tom Friedman Puts on Dark Glasses and Discovers the Sun (2987 Hits)
Mark W. Bradley Given the hectic pace of life these days, I suppose it should come as no surprise that we Americans are inexorably loosing...
Related Articles:
About (12517 Hits)
Atlantic Free Press was founded in September 2006 by Publisher Richard Kastelein of V.O.F. Expathos, in the Netherlands and Editor - Journalist Chris...
They Hate Our Freedom: The Truth about the Military Commissions Act (8437 Hits)
By Aaron Sussman On October 17th, with Dick Cheney, Alberto Gonzales, and Donald Rumsfeld standing behind him, George W. Bush solemnly ...
So the Democrats Won – What About the American Empire? (7463 Hits)
by Shepherd Bliss The Democratic Party prevailed in the Nov. 7 midterm elections. "We’ve just moved out of a straightjacket," a...
“America’s moment in the Middle East is about to end” (7884 Hits)
by Mike Whitney There are no “accidents” in Middle East politics. This week’s assassination of Lebanese Industry Minister, Pierre...
The Rumsfeld Memo: “I was just about to change everything….Really!?!” (8655 Hits)
by Mike Whitney By now, everyone has heard about Rumsfeld’s memo. It was leaked to the New York Times supposedly without Rumsfeld’s...


Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites
Trackback(0)
Comments (1)add comment

a guest said:

0
scapegoats
The Democratic party provides a great service to progressives in the U.S. - scapegoats. Progressives get to blame the Democrats for being spineless, while the progressives themselves get to blame someone else, sigh, and write clever articles. Progressives don't know what to do? Study what the Bolivians did, how they got rid of their horrible government. The American voters are the true spineless cowards. Democrats know this and feel free to pretend to be the opposition, laughing all the way to the bank.
 
September 23, 2007
Votes: +0

Write comment
smaller | bigger

busy
 

adsense

Top