by Stephen P. Pizzo
The surge – now being billed as “Plan A,” really isn't. It's more like Plan U or V or W, depending on when you began keeping count.
The original Plan A was actually:
Attack Iraq, topple Saddam, bask in the adulation of the free Iraqi people, bring troops home a few weeks later, hold a parade, hand out medals, strut around.
When that didn't work out the administration rolled out plan after plan ... each described as “the centerpiece of our strategy in Iraq.”
But each new centerpiece has been blown up by a growingly effective insurgency:
U.S. troops note insurgents' growing sophistication
by Joshua Partlow, The Washington Post
I've been all over this country," Sgt Hanner said. "This is by far the worst place I've ever been in my life. This is what you think war is going to be.These guys are smart. The Iraqi insurgent as a whole has really adapted well to our tactics and have learned a lot," said 1st Lt. Anthony Von Plinsky, 28. "They know how to bury things without us seeing them, they know how to trigger it without us knowing.Every time we react to a contact, they take that and learn from it. I hate to give credit to somebody who has no rules, but they're pretty good." (Full Story)
And so the administraton continues to roll out new plans, new centerpieces. Last week we got to see their latest — and shortest lived — Plan.. a wall. No longer is national reconciliation a goal. Shiites and Sunnis continue being more interested in killing one another. The new administration centerpiece is a wall to keep them apart.
U.S. Builds Wall to Separate Factions in Baghdad
“FOX News – BAGHDAD: U.S. soldiers are building a three-mile wall to protect a Sunni Arab enclave surrounded by Shiite neighborhoods in a Baghdad area "trapped in a spiral of sectarian violence and retaliation," the military said. ... When the wall is finished, the minority Sunni community of Azamiyah, located on the eastern side of the Tigris River, will be completely gated, and traffic control points manned by Iraqi soldiers will provide the only means to enter it, the military said” (Full Story)
The only trouble with their new centerpiece-plan is that neither side wants a wall.
The Shiites don't want Sunnis walled off so they can't get at them. And the Sunnis strongly suspect that the Americans are designing their walled off portion of Baghdad after the fully-fenced hunting ranch Cheney goes to to slaughter clipped-winged quail with a blunderbust.
So construction of the wall has been halted – another off-center, centerpiece. Another failed plan.
It seems nothing the US comes up with can satisfy any of the inmates of the, Iraqi-Asylum-For-The-Craziest-Muthafruckers-we've ever-gotten-involved-with.
So, what's the next plan to be, the lastest centerpiece of strategy that will finally produce victory in Iraq? Since the administration's own plans seem to be getting sillier and sillier, I am emboldened to suggest my own.
Since the Iraqis are clearly determined never to become a harmonious can of mixed nuts, we need to think outside that box.
Pizzo's Plan X: Freeze-dried Sunnis.
Wait, think about it. We freeze dry the entire Sunni population. There'd be no need for a wall, no reason for Shiites to blow up cars in Sunni neighborhoods or gas Sunnis with chlorine, or drill holes in them with electric hand tools. Because the Sunnis - in all their freeze-dried lifelikenesses — would be rendered harmless peaceful, serene, "reconciled" at last.
Then John McCain could really stroll Sunni streets withoutunce of protection. Bush and Cheney could finally claim – this time honestly — that violence between Shiites and Sunni had dropped to zero. Mission Accomplished!
There would be some minor ongoing maintenance required, of course. In the now peaceful Sunni neighborhoods municiple crews would have to bring freeze-dried Sunnis indoors when it rained and return them to their shops and sidewalks when the sun came back out. And due to that desert sun, they would likely have to replace their clothing a couple of times a year.
Of course there would have to be some preconditions imposed on the Iraqi government. The US would insist that at least 20% of the seats in the Iraqi Congress be occupied by freeze-dried Sunnis, of which at least some must be freeze-dried female Sunnis. Because there's no way America could claim victory in Iraq unless Iraqi women enjoyed full political representation.
With the Sunni population “reconciled,” that leaves just the Kurds and Shiites to settle their differences. Since the very notion of freeze-dried curds is gastronomically revolting, another plan is required:
Put the Kurds on the US government payroll. Let the Shiites have all the oil and simply pay the Kurds a few bucks more each year than they would have made off Iraqi oil.
Pay them to do what? Well, Iraq is a big and dusty country. For starters the Kurds could be paid to take care of all those freeze-dried Sunnis. Because — Allah knows — if that job were left to the Shiites it would be only a few days before freeze-dried Sunnis would be sporting funny hats, their pants on backwards, placed in compromising positions or standing around gnawing on pork chops. (Those Shiites!) The Kurds don't have those kind of “issues” with Sunnis and could therefore be trusted to keep the freeze-dried Sunni population nicely dressed and regularly dusted.
Kurds could also be paid to make nice with their neighbors in Turkey so we don't end up with another war on our hands between those two goombas.
That leaves Iran. We really can't leave that region until we have a solution to the Iranian problem. The Iranians are kinda like Oscar the Grouch. If their noses are not out of joint about one thing, it's another. But above all else Iranians bristle at being called Arabs – (they're Persian, you know!) While they are not Arabs, Iranians nevertheless believe they should call the shoots for the Arab nations in the region – kinda like they are the Persians retarded cousins or something.
And of course the Iranians hate the US, (AKA, “The Great Satan.” ) We've taken that kind of name-calling abuse for too long. Time to teach those "Persians" how wrong they are to believe their Mullahs have the market cornered on crazy.
But what'st he best way to do that? Bomb them? Nah. That would be about as effective as throwing a firecracker into a hornet's hive. I have a better idea.
Pizzo's Plan Z: Convince the Iranian people that they are covered by the Second Amendment of the US Constitution.
This propaganda campaign would be run by an organization that has, time after time, proven it can succeed even under the most blood-drenched circumstances – the National Rifle Association. The goal would be to convince every Iranian man, woman, child — even the mentally ill – that they too possess the inalienable right .. no.. the DUTY ... to own at least one semi-automatic weapon. The CIA could air-drop bumper stickers with the picture of Wayne LaPierre dressed as a Mullah on them:
“They'll have to wrench my AK47 from my cold dead fingers,” (in Farsi, of course,)
Okay, these may not be the best of ideas ... But really, are they any less silly or less likely to succeed than the series of plans the Bush administration has rolled out over the last four years?
The only plan that could have worked from the start was to haul the guys who came up with Plan A off to the nearest mental facility and put them on Thorazine I.V drips.
Sen. Harry Reid was a right as rain last week when he declared Bush's war in Iraq lost.
Because Iraq was never ours to win in the first place.
And he was right about something else too; that Bush and those around him know it's lost. The real centerpiece to their Iraq strategy now is to stall until they get out of town a year a half from now. Then they can claim they victory in sight, before “the Democrats pulled the rug out from under our troops.”
Reid should have said one more thing, that would have also been right. That every American soldier's death from this day forward is a politically motivated murder.
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