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Wed

01

Nov

2006

THE COUCH POTATO: Psychoanalysis of a President
Wednesday, 01 November 2006 08:53

Via sources unknown and by methods unclear ("Stuff happens" – the Hon. Donald R. Rumsfeld), Atlantic Free Press has come into possession of a recording of a psychoanalytic session between Dr. Jungen Freudant and one of this patients, a certain G.W. Bush. Our senior writer, Paul William Roberts, has been so good as to provide the yeoman service of transcribing the tape for our readers.

 

SESSION 237 FRIDAY NOV 3


Dr Freudant: Good to see you, George. How are you?

George W. Bush: Been havin’ problems, Doc…

JF : Yes?

GWB: Big fuckin’ problems…

JF : Tell me…

GWB: My Dad wont take my calls…My wife’s foolin’ around on me…my senior advisers just admitted they’ve been lyin’ to me…and my best friend brought me a present back from England…

JF : A Tony Blair voodoo doll?

GWB: No, I already got one…It was a T-shirt that says, “Bush is just another word for cun—er…for vagina…but in English…”

JF : And how does that make you feel?

 

GWB: Like a cunt…um…ya know…

JF : A vagina is something half the population likes very much, George…

GWB: Hey, you’re right…I gotta remember that…Ha ha! Ah…But the polls ain’t sayin’ that, Doc. Ain’t even ten percent that like me…Am I being paranoid?

JF : A paranoid is someone who has all the facts, George…

GWB: Well, I finally do have all the facts, Doc…An’ things ain’t goin’ so well in Iraq as they were when I was over there with the turkey that time…

JF : You were there with your father?

GWB: Metapherically, I guess…We all were then, weren’t we…? Hey, is it a metimphor when it’s a guy? Or do ya use metaphor for both?

JF : I’m from Vienna…

GWB: ‘Cos I always think, like, I metaphor a drink an’ one thing led to –

JF: Her mother?

GWB: Yeah, that’s right…How’d you know that? And her mother was such a bitch, she made mine look like Mother Teresa…

JF : And how does that make you feel, George?

GWB: I guess no one goin’ to ask the Pope to make me a saint, is they?

JF : Is that what you wanted to be, George, a saint?

GWB: Hell, no! That’s for pussies. I wanna have one of them statues on a horse…

JF : What does the word horse mean to you?

GWB: Like my Poppy used to say, Ya can lead a whore ta culture but ya cain’t make ‘er think…Haha…

JF : And you feel you’ve been led to culture and still cannot think, do you?

GWB: Don’t ‘ave the patience for none that learnin’ stuff, Doc…I’m an action man…

JF: So you feel like a small plastic doll?

GWB: Sure…you gonna have one too?

JF : One…two…What comes next, George?

GWB: Many? One too many?

JF : Is that how you feel, George? That you are one too many in a population of 300 million?

GWB: What I feel is like a fuckin’ beer, Doc…

JF: So you already see yourself dead, on the funeral bier…? What does that tell you?

GWB: I cain’t have a beer ‘til I’m dead?

JF : But so many voters said they voted for you just because you seemed the kind of guy they could have a beer with…

GWB: But I ain’t the kinda guy you can have a beer with…

JF : You’re conflicted?

GWB: Cowboyflicted…I prefer cowboy flicks to convict movies…

JF : Guilt? You feel you deserve to be in prison?

GWB: I’m white! Don’t be dumb…

JF : Does it hurt you when they say you’re dumb, George? When they say you’re an idiot…?

GWB: ‘Course not, fool! We got a sayin’ in Texas that When the last gob o’ spit leaves your enemy’s mouth it brings rain to parched land…

JF : What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

GWB: Search me, Boss!

JF : If I say to you, George, who’s in charge? What’s the first thing that springs to mind?

GWB: Dick…

JF : You feel your penis is in charge of you?

GWB: Hey, not everyone is blessed like Billy Clinton, Doc…I never said I didn’t have modest piping in th’ ol’ closet…

JF : You want to come out of that closet, do you?

GWB: Hey, steady on, pal….Them’s prayer sessions we have at DHS…an’ Bible readin’s…

JF : When I tell you to picture a ruggedly handsome man with a shaved head, George, what is the first thought that comes to your mind?

GWB: Er..dick…

JF : Ugh…he’s so old! And ‘ruggedly handsome’? Really?

GWB: My Poppy says ya can tell what kinda advert Dick Cheney is for his gender by the fact that his daughter’s muchin’ the rug….Haha…

JF : And your daughters, George? What did you do with them?

GWB: Huh? I ain’t got no daughters…Do I?

JF: I see our time is up, George. I’ll see you next week…

GWB: You son of a gun, you, Doc! Y’always leave me with a cliffhugger…

JF : Good luck on Tuesday…

GWB: Huh? Oh…the poker game?

JF : No, the mid-term elections…

GWB: Oh, shoot, yeah --- ferget about it, Doc… My advisers tell me I’ve made it impossible for a Republican to be elected to Congress for the rest o’ the decade…Neat, eh? I guess that’s gonna be part of my legacy…yep! I’m mighty proud o’ that one… See ya…

A DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS SHUT

JF : What a fuckin’ idiot….But what can I do? Psychoanalysis ain’t rocket science…Next, please, Margarita!

A DOOR OPENS

GWB: Doctor Freudant, good to see you!

JF : Mister President…Glad to see you remembered about the double session…

GWB: Feelin’ pretty good about it, sir…I need to leave here on an up, not a …er…the other thing…

JF : How are you?

GWB: Great, just great! No problems I can see…Nope…none…

JF : Excellent….How does that make you feel, Mister President?

GWB: Pretty damn good…

JF : Iraq been bothering you at all?

GWB: The lies get to me…

JF : Lies?

GWB: Ya keep hearin’ these fake reports that we’re not stayin’ the course, that things ain’t goin’ so well…

JF : This upsets you?

GWB: Yeah…’Cos I know the factual facts…

JF : Why aren’t these factual facts better known?

GWB: Good point…I guess it’s national security…There’s things we’d like to tell the American people, but we can’t ‘cos of national security…

JF : Give me an example…

GWB: Um…er…well, like we’s winning the battle in Iraq an’ the country’s restabilisin’…lotta new deconstruction there…schools…hospitals…the suicide bombings are more fewer…democracy’s on the horizon and nearly overhead now…that sorta thing…

JF : Why is that prevented by national security concerns?

GWB: Search me! I tell ya this, though: my nose hairs are a national security issue too…haha…

JF : Then try to look at it this way, sir: the best stuff will be reserved for your memoirs…The American public will be amazed to find out what has really been going on…

GWB: Right, right! An’ it’ll sell more books too, won’t it…?

JF : Which, for someone who will have written twice as many books as he’s read, is quite a solid achievement in itself…

GWB: Hey, I read that goat book….But, hell, you’re right! It ain’t bad for a high-school drop-out, is it?

JF : As you said yourself, sir, teach a child to read and he or her will become more literate…

GWB: Damn! Did I say that? Pretty smart, huh?

JF : And it is achievements like this that the public will cherish long after your presidency is over…the priorities you established and kept in spite of all opposition…

GWB: Our priorities is our faith…

JF : Nicely put. The good is preserved, the rest is forgotten. Preservation should be your theme…

GWB: Yeah, preservation is important. It’s what you do when you’re president. You preserve…

JF : Well, maybe have someone work on it a bit --- but that’s the idea…It’s the distinction between innocence and guilt… Remember what you said about the death penalty when you were Governor?

GWB: That we ain’t never executed a guilty man in Texas?

JF : Er…something like that, yes. That’s the kind of certainty the public want to see in you…

GWB: Really? ‘Cos sometimes I get the feelin’ they wanna see my doubt…

JF : Absolutely not, sir…Children need to see confidence in their parents to feel secure…

GWB: Confidence…yeah?

JF : Chest out, jaw jutting….the I’m-in-charge-and-things-are-fine expression…

GWB: An’ not bother ‘em with any problems?

JF : Nope…Let’s try it out? I’ll throw some words at you, and you give me your immediate response, okay?

GWB: Sure…

JF : The future of the oceans?

GWB: I know the human being and the fish can coexist peacefully…?

JF : Good, good…Relief of poverty?

GWB: Er…the best way to relieve the poor is to let ‘em keep some of their own money occasionally…?

JF : Fantastic! How about AIDS?

GWB: Make no mistake about it, we are very concerned about AIDS in the White House…?

JF : Superb, sir…Let’s try incentives to small business…?

GWB: I understand small business growth – I was one…?

JF : Excellent…Capital punishment…?

GWB: What sense do it make to punish capital when it’s the better system of economism we got?

JF : The death penalty?

GWB: We all pay a price or penalty of death when we buy life. That’s what it costs! But I am totally opposed to the inhumane and unsanitary practice of ending a human life that otherwise could have lived…

JF : Your brother, Jeb…?

GWB: I am very gracious to find my brother Jeb also supports the hemisphere…?

JF : Global warming?

GWB: It is a grave mistake to make that just because the most educated scientists in the world are saying we are reversing into a catastrophe of more hotter futures, to believe this means that the polar bears won’t melt. They wont! That’s why we have zoos where Americans can see all the environmental species we’re supposed to kill…

JF : China?

GWB: Many Americans have good cups and plates which they call china without even realizing it’s all made in the oriental world. Free trade means we’re free to call a cup a mug and a plate a dish, if we want, without having to be grateful for its origins. This is the very core, right close to the center of the whole art of scientific business that we call economizing. Would you accuse your grandmother of economics? No, you would not. So why call them Chinese?

JF : Iraq?

GWB: As many of you know, I am a firm believer in the fallacy of humans, which is shown in the public’s misunderestimating our mission in the Arab world. A great many Iraqi have expressed their gratitude to me for the horrible job we’ve had to do in rebuilding the rubble of their country. People died! But that’s only natural --- death’s a natural part of freedom and struggle…

 

It’s gonna happen whether we like it or cause it…It’s not our fault though, that just because someone dies when we bring liberty doesn’t mean Iraqis are exonerated for the crimes we tend to take the blame of being the progenerator for…It’s simple common sense that not everyone is gonna be happy to lose their loved ones and rebuild their homes, but democracy is on the move…it’s on the move there. So if anyone stands in its way there’s going to be a struggle, which we will win…We got the know-how, the technology, and the brave men and women whose lives mean something when they’re lost enforcing the justice of a cause that people argue whether it’s just or not…I’m the one who says what is just, and justice is just, because it’s what I believe…We don’t need Iraqis to tell us we’re right because we are showing them we’re right even if they don’t believe it…

 

It ain’t a question of belief.. It’s a fact…and you can see it if you just stop looking negatively…I salute those Iraqis who see things the way they are, which is my way, and I say to those who continue the bombing and the killing, your days are numbered. Either you disarm or we will…I don’t have endless patience for the Iraqi government there in Iraq…in Baghdad, the big city…They gotta do the job that’s in front of them or the Iraqi public wont be behind ‘em when we come to vote for a new bunch of people to do what we want for the nation…But, hey, it’s goin’ well…I’m happy about the progress…even if the killin’ makes me unhappy from time to time…Ya know, when it’s nighttime not all of us can see the sun of a brand new day overhead, can we? Freedom comes as a shock to people who have only known oppression…they look at the demolition and the dust of war and they don’t realize that this is liberty’s theme song…

 

Ya don’t get freedom for nothin’ --- there’s a price…and that price for Iraqis is learning how to live our way…If we don’t know how to bring democracy even to people who fight us, then who does? That’s what I said to Mister Maliki, their choice for the one they chose to lead them out of this chaotic situation. There are rules, I said, and if you’re not willin’ to stick by ‘em, we’ll find someone to resist breaking them…To those who say cut and run, I say what will you tell all those brave men and women who died for liberty when they come home?

 

How’re ya gonna explain their sacrifice to ‘em, eh? I don’t believe in backing down, in quitting a challenge, even when everyone says it’s the only solution there is. If I listened to that sort of thing I would never have sent our troops there in the first place, so I’m sure not gonna listen to it and bring them back with the whole job half done and not accomplished. I couldn’t look those brave men and women in the eye and have any self-respect. If I’m letting them down, it’s because I believe in who I am and have faith in that belief. History will either judge me wrong or fairly, and I am content to be judged by the results, not what’s happened. That’s what history is: a final verdict on all the little mistakes seen from a great distance, where they are mistaken as errors, because it all turned out right when it was over…

 

JF : Okay, okay, sir…can we work on that to get it down to a succinct few words?

GWB: Huh?

 

THE AUDIO DISC RUNS OUT OF SPACE AT THIS POINT

 

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enemy of the people said:

0
Insult to pu - err - vag - err wimmin
see title.
 
November 01, 2006
Votes: +0

enemy of the people said:

0
Insult, take two
pretty funny, though. and right on the money top-to-bottom
 
November 01, 2006
Votes: +0

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