“And so has that Sand Flea Upon a Camel’s Ass,” said bin Laden, “and he’s done it four times better.”
“But you have been able to do it without a press corps regurgitating
your propaganda. You know how the media always inflate someone’s
worth.” It didn’t help.
“I was once the most wanted man in the world,” said bin Laden. That
Dung Beetle on the Droppings from a Bloated Goat put 10,000 of his
troops into Afghanistan. He said he’d hunt me down and bring me before
his witch trials.” Bin Laden wiped a small tear. “But then he changed
his mind, put his own weapons of mass destruction into Iraq and forgot
about me. It’s as if I don’t matter.”
“Please do not cry,” said the Aide, “by invading Iraq, he opened a new land where you could unleash your terror!”
“Bush! It’s always Bush! You don’t think I could have gone into Iraq if
I wanted to, killed Saddam, and made the world safe for terrorism
without Bush?! Is that what you think?”
“Never in a thousand years, Almighty Benefactor of the Weak and Poor. I
would never criticize you. Please don’t kill me. Saddam kept you out,
but only because you allowed it. If you wanted to go to Iraq, you would
have gone there long before the Great Satan invited our glorious
revolution to do battle, and we would have been the first to destroy
the 3,000 year civilization of that country.”
“Praise Allah! Allah is with us! Allah Bless al-Qaeda!”
“That’s the spirit,” said the Aide. Here’s even better news. The
American With the Constant Smirk is also the most praised American.”
“Do you take me for a fool!?” thundered bin Laden. “I can read and
analyze statistics better than that Fool of a Mixed Malaprop. Only 13
percent of Americans say he’s the Biggest Hero of 2006. That’s only
half of all who say he’s the Biggest Villain.”
“That shows you how foolish those Americans are,” said the Aide. “He
creates a war—and that is good—but he stays behind the battle, like he
always has done, and while his troops are sweating and dying, while
they’re eating condensed sand, he’s in an air-conditioned villa in
Texas and eating barbequed mourning doves, which he just killed.”
“He’s even better than me at killing birds of peace,” said a lugubrious bin Laden.
“Mighty one, you have shown your power to spare the smallest of
sparrows, as Allah has so ordered, while launching a jihad against the
heretics.”
“That is true. And I should not forget that those foolish Americans not
only made their workers, the soldiers of the desert, only the Number 2
Heroes, they . placed Oprah as the third Biggest Hero!”
“That’s the spirit, oh Wise and Noble Warrior. The Americans are nothing if not shallow.”
Bin Laden again looked at his Aide, a smile emerging. “Bush may have
helped make the world safe for terrorism, but in two years, he will no
longer be President, and I will again regain the honor of being the
Worst Villain. Prepare for my coronation.”
[Walter Brasch’s current books are
America’s Unpatriotic Acts: The Federal Government’s Violation of Constitutional and Civil Rights,;
‘Unacceptable’: The Federal Response to Hurricane Katrina; and
Sex and the Single Beer Can: Probing the Media and American Culture.
They are available through amazon.com and other on-line sources. You
may contact Dr. Brasch, professor of journalism at Bloomsburg
University, at
brasch@bloomu.edu, or through his website,
www.walterbrasch.com.]
Writings 
Deep in a cave or high on a mountain, in Pakistan or Afghanistan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan or, maybe, sunning on the French Riviera, is a furious Osama bin Laden.
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