"You been watching too many recycled Cold War films?" I
asked. "China is our trading partner. They loaned us billions to reduce
our exorbitant unbalanced budget. Their factories are producing goods
for the American consumer almost as fast as Washington politicians have
been producing verbal diarrhea."
"The Chinese have launched rockets at us. We don't have much time."
"I didn't see anything on the 24/7 news channels about an invasion."
"Of course not," said Marshbaum, "they're too busy tracking celebrity
weddings, break-ups, and drunk driving arrests."
"Even the worst journalist would pick up on an invasion of the U.S," I said.
"Yeah," he replied sarcastically, "like they picked up on the PATRIOT
Act violating a half-dozen constitutional amendments? Like they figured
out the Bush–Cheney Oil and Screw Corp. lied to them about Iraq, the
environment, the housing crisis, the economy, and how to make barbecued
burritos?"
"But war with
China?" I asked skeptically.
"China!" he said authoritatively. "Largest Communist country in the
world. More than a billion people. Largest Army in the world. While the
politicians focused on being nasty to Cuba, which has only 11 million
people and hardly any weapons, the Chinese have been getting ready to
invade us. It's been a sneak attack that started years ago. Some of the
best students in American colleges are Chinese. They're the cadre for
the take-over, and it's less than a week away!"
"I assume you have evidence," I asked, playing along with Marshbaum.
After all, I had no idea how deadly a blunderbuss could be, especially
if I was in the same room with one.
"Tents," said Marshbaum. "Thousands of tents have been set up the past
two weeks on every major road in America. They're ammunition depots.
Come July Fourth, the Chinese students will stop getting perfect scores
on their SATs, join their comrades from all the Chinese buffets, go to
the tents, activate the weapons and blow us all sky high with Roman
Candles and Multi-break Shells. Dahlias, Willows, and Rings. An arsenal
of destruction!"
"They're fireworks!" I told my naive friend. "Fireworks! Jefferson,
Madison, and the patriots started the revolution so we could eat
hotdogs and potato salad, then shoot off a color spectacular and get a
three-day weekend."
"For a journalist, you're even denser than I thought." And so he walked
me through his logic. "Ninety-Eight percent of all fireworks we use for
July Fourth are made in China."
"I see no evidence of war here," I said. "The Chinese also supply most
of our toys and just about anything that winds up at the Dollar Store."
"Do you think the largest army in the world would be content to stay in
Asia and eat sushi all day?" I disregarded the anomaly that sushi is a
Japanese dish, but when Marshbaum is on a roll it's hard to divert him
with logic. "Come July Fourth, they're going to shock and awe us with
their fireworks, play a Tchaikovsky overture, and then take over the
rest of America."
"The Olympics are only about five weeks away," I reminded him, "why
would the Chinese attack us when it's hosting the leading display for
unity and peace?"
"Because they need more emaciated squeaky-voiced gymnasts," he said,
"and we'll be so grateful to get rid of them and those snooty
equestrians as well that we'll wave flags to honor China."
"Americans are going to wave Chinese flags? That's ridiculous!"
"
American
flags," said Marshbaum. "Most flags and flag pins—you know the ones the
semi-patriotic American politicians always wear—are made in China."
Marshbaum thought a moment. "Maybe their Army won't need to invade us.
They've already defeated us."
[Dr. Brasch, an award-winning syndicated columnist, is professor of
journalism at Bloomsburg University and president of the Pennsylvania
Press Club. His latest book is
Sinking the Ship of State: The Presidency of George W. Bush (November 2007), available through amazon.com and other bookstores. You may contact Brasch at
brasch@bloomu.eduwww.walterbrasch.com.]
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