Good hosts that they are, the Israelis set you up in grand style in the Royal Suite of the King David Hotel. Your rooms boasted a majestic 180-degree panoramic view of Old Jerusalem. And how about that mini-bar? I hope you took some snapshots.

In an attempt to keep up with the Olmerts, the Saudis arranged for you to stay where even Elton John may not go.

And that’s not all. Maureen Dowd reports:

“In Abu Dhabi, Sheik Khalifa bin Zayed al-Nahyan gave the president… a gigantic necklace made of gold, diamonds, rubies and emeralds…. in Saudi Arabia, the king draped W. with an emerald-and-ruby necklace that could have come from Ali Baba’s cave.”

Talk about payola!

We are eager to know how you explained that jewelry to U.S. Customs officials. And Dubya… I know it will be tempting now that you have all that phat jewelry… but please save America from any more humiliation and do not start rapping!

Whatever you do, kindly remember the etiquette: Pearls before five, no colored stones or diamonds in the country.

The fabulous jewels are not the total of what you received. A Kuwaiti poet honored you with a snappy moniker: “the Wolf of the Desert.” Regarding the romantic comparison to a wolf, the poet is not the first to describe you in such glowing terms. In May 2006, Vladimir Putin described the chaotic and dangerous state of the world and laid blame on:  "Comrade wolf knows whom to eat, he eats without listening, and he's clearly not going to listen to anyone."
What a nightmare for security that trip must have been! And what a bore for the civilians. Bush came to our country and all I got was this lousy traffic jam! With POTUS on the premises, the security was locked down tighter than Diebold’s contracts with impartial election officials.

But I digress. Let’s get back to Israel and those sumptuous accommodations at the King David Hotel. The generosity of your Israeli hosts provided you with a unique opportunity to walk on the very foundations of history… or at least a little corner of history well hidden away in the closet labeled: “Fibber McGee.”

You, my friend, spent the night at the scene of one of the most notorious terrorist attacks in history! Betcha’ didn’t know about that! You were just a log (Matthew 7:5) in Dad’s eye back in 1946. Yes, I’m talking about the King David Hotel Bombing.

From 1922 to 1948, the region you chose for your peace-making mission was referred to as British Mandate Palestine. In 1946, some of those dissatisfied with that arrangement used explosives to blow a whole wing off the King David Hotel. Ninety-one people, mostly civilians, were blown to smithereens. Many more were injured. Impressive eh? That one would even make the front page of The Green Zone Gazette.

At the time, the British authorities utilized a part of the hotel to house Mandate Palestine’s Criminal Investigations Department. The crime was the act of cowards wouldn’t you say? Terror is a totally unacceptable strategy only endorsed by fanatical movements. Polite Society simply does not wage war on civilians. Thanks be to God, you have been anointed to start… uh… fight the War on Terror!

Even though it’s been sixty-two years since the King David Hotel was bombed, there’s no way you will agree to talks with disciples of that terror! After all, the U.S. of A. does not negotiate with terrorist organizations. Damn straight!

But hold your V-8 Hemi, Windshield Cowboy! Who exactly were these forces of evil that bombed the King David Hotel in 1946? Was it Hamas? Nope, sorry, Hamas was not in existence at that time. Well, then, it must have been that pesky Arafat and the PLO! Nope… wrong again. Yasser Arafat was not involved. However, during the Israeli War of Independence, Yasser was over the age of ten, therefore he would have been vulnerable to Israeli retribution as an Arab male of “military age” (between ten and fifty).

Give up? Guess you don’t read much history do you? Just farm management manuals?

Ok, I‘ll fill you in. On July 22, 1946, the King David Hotel was bombed by a terrorist organization known as the Irgun. Along with the Lehi, another terrorist actor in British Mandate Palestine, the Irgun resorted to terror to drive out any undesirables from what they saw as their God given homeland. You see? These individuals were religious fanatics, radical insurgents, violent nationalists!

And the bombing of the King David was just one example of scores of terrorist acts such as kidnapping and murdering British soldiers, sinking a refugee ship, assassinating UN peace mediator Count Folke Bernadotte, and gunning down villagers. At one point the Irgun and Lehi teamed up and massacred over two hundred and fifty civilians in a little village, which no longer exists, known as Deir Yassin. This was just one of many such massacres.

Who was the evil mastermind leader of the Irgun? Is the image of a turban-wearing radical, squatting in a cave reciting Qu’ranic verses, dancing in your head right next to the sugar plum fairies? But that image would be wrong.

Are you sitting down? The leader of the Irgun was future Israeli Prime Minster (and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize), Menachem Begin. Holy Moses! And later on, who was PM Begin’s not so controllable Minister of Defense? Why that was your comatose buddy Ariel Sharon, a man who would be viewed by historians sympathetic to the official Israeli history, as unsympathetic to the “peace process.”

Dubya, have you been cavorting with officials of a state that sponsored terrorism? Oh dear! Surely, Menachem Begin is long gone and so are the Irgun and Lehi (also known as the Stern Gang). Well… not exactly. In 1948 they teamed up with the Zionist “defense” organization known as the Haganah and morphed into what is now called the IDF, Israeli Defense Forces.

Not to worry. The IDF does not engage in terror… anymore. Well… not exactly. It just has new names: “counter-terror” and “security.” But, what’s the difference when civilians are targeted?

Oh but Israel does not target civilians. Well… not exactly. One might not want to forget recent Israeli ventures into Lebanon for example… or past ones either.

And all those State of Israel-sponsored house demolitions in “the occupied territory” (West Bank) aren’t exactly neighborly. If some well-armed Israeli troops with a Caterpillar™ bulldozer flattened Camp Crawford wouldn’t you feel a bit, um, terrorized?

Kind of throws a whole new light on things doesn’t it? I know it’s hard for you to comprehend challenges more complex than those of Barney and Miss Beazley but maybe the situation in Palestine isn’t as simple as that hamster wheel spinning around in your noggin.

If you were serious about peace and democracy, you’d be talking to the democratically elected Hamas leadership. Plainly, Hamas’ reprehensible behavior is no better than that of the Irgun of 1946 or the IDF home demolitions of today. Desperate people will do desperate things. Seems to me that when provoked both parties behave like terrorists. Israel is caught up in Old Testament “justice” of an eye-for-and-eye while Palestinian militants are throwbacks to the Arab tradition of blood feuding. It all adds up to and endless cycle of revenge. It brings to mind the Hatfields and McCoys.

Still, if you really want to negotiate a peace, you need all the concerned parties at the table or those left out will continue to do desperate, reprehensible things and those to whom the desperate, reprehensible things are done will continue to retaliate by doing more desperate, reprehensible things. And you thought wars of attrition went out of vogue after 1918.

Palestinian Authority PM Mahmoud Abbas (Abu Mazen) might just be a quisling with his own agenda. Maybe you should take a closer look at the “new facts on the ground” to which you eluded in your green light letter to PM Sharon in 2004. In that missive, you set a new US precedent that land captured through aggression is fine and dandy… as long as it’s Israel that does the capturing.

Could it be possible all these “new facts on the ground,” resulting in a Matrix of Control, are just a kinder, gentler means of ethnic cleansing?

Could it be that you and your advisors are being used by one country as it steals land from another?

Who am I kidding? Comrade Wolf, you know exactly what you’re doing. You may dress it up with windy public orations. Half the fun is watching how badly you deliver them. The other half is your clever use of generic categories that fit all, and I mean all, of the parties in the squabble. This one had me convulsing on the floor of the gazebo: “We're in conflict with radicals and extremists who are willing to murder innocent people to achieve a dark vision.” At that point, you and Israeli PM Olmert should have linked arms and broken out in Sonny and Cher’s classic I Got You Babe.

You don’t care if everyone in the world thinks you to be a complete moron. Not caring about what others think is the mark of a real leader! That studied, tongue-tied stupidity is just an act to make you look good to the inbred ignorance of the sports bar patrons back home. You love fooling the average American Joes into believing you’re one of them. But it’s all a disguise for your addiction to aggression.

Let’s turn off Fantasy Island for a moment: a fair and just settlement for the Palestinians is not important to you or to the current Israeli regime. So, Mr. President, what was the real reason you went to the Middle East?

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