Santa, here. For the first time in my career, I find myself forced to write a note to publicly apologize for this Christmas. As some of you know, my North Pole Workshop was recently the target of a successful hostile takeover by GlobeStench Corp. As a result, I’ve had to downsize my workforce by 80% in order to turn a profit. The elves that remain work less than a full week. This is so new management doesn’t have to pay them health insurance and contribute to a pension plan. Accordingly, I’ve had to distribute a lot of toys and gifts that, frankly, are substandard.
To all you parents, I’m sorry about the Chinese toys. With the output of my Workshop dwindling, I was forced to import in bulk. I apologize for the high amounts of lead, the sharp edges, the parts that fall off or blow up, the leaky batteries and the cute stickers that contain the date rape drug.
This year, management also forced me to push certain toy lines that weren’t on anyone’s Christmas list. I would personally like to say I’m sorry to Butch McGill of Tulsa for sticking you with that “Prim Patty-Cake Tea Party” set. It’s no reflection on you and has nothing to do with the way you throw a football, no matter what your father says. Also, do not put the teacups near your lips.
To Chrissie Timmons in Detroit, I’m fully aware that you
didn’t really want the “Botulism Barbie Emergency Room” box. And, yes,
I know Barbie’s boyfriend is usually named Ken but we had a ton of
“Lecherous Larry” dolls to unload and you made the short list. Refrain
from tapping your feet while playing.
I’d like to apologize, in advance, for next year’s toy line which
includes “The Running With Scissors Game,” “Baby’s First Nail Gun,”
“Aunt Sally’s Shards O’ Glass,” “The Anne Frank Rainy Day Indoor Play
Set,” (a word to the wise – the lock on the steamer trunk is real) “The
Sylvia Plath Play Oven,” “Kissy-Face the Kewpie Doll” (in both leaded
and diesel) and “Rip ‘em Up Razor Warriors.”
(Kids? To play it safe? You might want to take up reading.)
A personal note to Moe Levy of Miami who received “Big Bob’s Beijing Barbecue and Grill.” Hair grows back.
To the traditional gift givers who requested snow globes – sorry. While
sludge globes aren’t as festive, they’re all I could find.
To Frankie “Gummy” Valducci of Boston, you’re right. Toothpaste
shouldn’t contain anti-freeze. I know you treasured that smile of
yours. On the plus side, you’ll now be able to whistle in sub-zero
temperatures…just not chew.
All you parents who wrote about the talking Jesus action figure: yes,
there is a glitch when He goes into “Wedding at Cana” mode. In terms of
your children pissing wine – it’s temporary. Actually, it’s quite
fruity. Enjoy it while you can.
A quick shout out to “R” Limbaugh of Gasbag Gulch – while I was able to
get your sack of goodies, I will still need a note from your doctor to
deliver them. Or your maid.
To all the registered Republicans who wrote me: yeah, I’m sorry about
your candidates but there’s just so much I can do. I don’t have the
power to re-animate Dwight Eisenhower. Wish I did. You might want to
consider exhuming Reagan. Who’d notice?
To little Joey Lieberman, I couldn’t find a “Man of a Thousand Faces”
makeup kit. It’s maker, Duplicitous Delights, went out of business in
the 1930s. You seem to be doing all right without one.
To “Slim” Huckabee: Thank you for your faith in me, but I’m not the one
you should be writing to when it comes to “smiting down” your foes.
You’re confusing me with the OTHER guy with the white beard. Besides,
this isn’t the season for smiting, is it?
To “Mittens” Romney: I contacted the governor of Iowa as you requested.
Sorry. He says his state is not for sale. You can rent several VFW
halls, however.
To Al “your pal” Gonzales: for the third year in a row, there’s no toy
company that manufactures a “Torture Me, Elmo” doll. You’re on your
own. Improvise.
To Dickie Cheney: I know you’ve been extra bad this year just so you
could get a few stockings filled with coal. Don’t think I wasn’t onto
your scam. But, since the cost of coal is through the roof, you’re just
going to have to make do with the effeminate bunny slippers.
To Georgie Bush: For the record, “Whack-a-Mole” isn’t considered a
military game. You’re thinking of either “Battleship” or “Strategy.”
And, no, none of them will count in terms of fulfilling your National
Guard duty.
To all the registered Democrats who wrote me: it’s impossible to buy
spines in bulk. I realize your predicament in terms of Congress, but
you might want to just buy two-by-fours and jam them in as far as
they’ll go. If nothing else, it will improve their posture.
To “A.G.” Mukasey: I couldn’t get the illustrated dictionary you
requested, just the grown-up version. The word you’re looking to define
is listed under “T.”
To “Missy” Clinton: I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to rent babies for
campaign purposes. I know you want to soften your image but there are
still laws involving human trafficking. You might want to investigate
the use of sunbonnets and gingham dresses. It seemed to work for the
lady who was in “Little House on the Prairie” and she was supposed to
be a royal pain in the ass.
To Rudy G., sorry, I don’t deal in inflatable sex dolls. And I
certainly wouldn’t deal with dolls that say “Harder, you hero of 9/11!”
You might be better off getting an “Acu-Jack.”
To “Opie” Obama: I apologize. No stores seemed to stock “street cred.”
To Johnny McCain: I’m glad you enjoyed the DVD of “Say Anything.”
To all American citizens who wanted a new car, a new job, a new home or
a new life. With today’s economy being what it is, I just couldn’t
swing it. I hope you all enjoyed your consolation prizes of Firesign
Theater’s “We’re All Bozos on This Bus” CD. I figured that, during the
seventh Christmas you’ve celebrated under less than ideal conditions,
misery might love company.
And, lastly, my sincerest apologies to little J. Christ of Bethlehem. I
really tried to get “peace on Earth and good will to all” but it proved
impossible.
I hope you’ll enjoy playing with the “World of Warcraft” video game, instead.
Writings 
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