Are you ready? Hold on to those Indy 500 tickets. I choose as my running mate and future Vice President of the United States…
Helio Castroneves! (By the way, do any of you have Helio’s phone number?)
Good choice huh? I thought so. He’s much less embarrassing than
Marie Osmond or
Wayne Newton.
We all know what my qualifications are… I have none. And, like the Earl
of Rosebery, - “that Hamlet-like aristocrat who could neither endure
political life nor escape it” (1) - I don’t really want the job. I do
not promise, lick or brown nose. Powerful lobbies, corporate jackboots
and interest groups abhor me. The feelings are mutual.
Consider the wisdom of the late Evil Knieval who was asked if he’d like
to compete in the Monaco F1 Grand Prix. "No way!” he said referring to
the derring-do of the drivers, “Those guys are crazy!" All the same, I
must sacrifice myself on the altar of the country and I need someone
very brave indeed to assist in the privilege. That’s where Helio comes
in.
But what about Helio? What are Helio’s qualifications?
Excellent question. I’m glad you brought it up.
It’s simple. Helio drives faster than a
twelve-year-old resident of Qatar. And
he gets away with it. He’s above the law when it comes to traffic
enforcement and speed cameras. He’s one happy camper a distinct
difference from our current VP. Just look at these two smiling faces...
Is there any question Helio would be an improvement? I think not!
And let’s face it; Helio is a winner… a real winner, not a
Windshield Cowboy. Helio has not one but
two Indy 500 wins under his belt (back to back) and now, something that impresses me even more… he’s the
2007 Dancing With The Stars champion!
Already he has been victorious in a popularity contest. See? The People
love him. And I’ll be honest here… another thing “real” candidates
rarely are (with
one notable exception)… Helio is
way more famous and popular than I ever will be in a million years!
In these dark times I know what ordinary folk want and it ain’t more
9/11-mongering and gloom spewing. America wants… a few fast laps around the track
and the dance floor.
Hey! With Helio as my co-pilot maybe
we will get on
Letterman!
What’s this you say? Helio isn’t an American citizen? He’s Brazilian?!
Uh… Is that a problem? Hm… yeah, it seems I did read something about
U.S. citizenship requirements
somewhere. Well… Drat and bracafrats! There has to be
a way around that little bugaboo.
Desperate times calls for desperate measures: how about we offshore
outsource the entire 2008 contest to Brazil? Maybe we can boost
America’s anemic export profile by shipping U.S. politicians and their
handlers abroad? Surely
someone has a use for
them.
How about I just issue a pre-POTUS
signing statement?
Even as I thumb my nose at one scrap of legal paper, I will be busy
creating new ones. If I am “elected,” my goal is 20 presidential
directives, findings and signing statements… a day! And no one can stop
me… well,
almost no one. Let those savvy political analysts chalk up my legal energy to an inborn talent: I didn’t even have to go to Yale.
So, I don’t care who issued Mr. Castroneves his green card.
He’s in good company
if he doesn’t have one. Fact is, he’s as American as apple pie. Man,
the dude drives racecars for Roger Penske! Jumpin’ Gee Hosafats the
only people I can think of who might be more American are: Ted Nugent,
Dale Earnhardt
and Elvis. And don’t harsh on my mellow by insisting the last two are
dead. I simply refuse to believe these blasphemous untruths! Why if
Mike Huckabee can direct dial God, I can text message Elvis.
Green card, shmeen card. Helio’s a prince. In this case, wouldn’t you
(and the Federal Elections Commission) be inclined to look the other
way?
Thought so.
Elizabeth Gyllensvard contributed to and edited this story.
1)
Lord Rosebery by K. G.
Author(s) of Review: Walter Phelps Hall
The American Historical Review, Vol. 38, No. 1 (Oct., 1932), pp. 117-119 doi:10.2307/1838088
Writings 
Subscribe to this comment's feed
