And to insert a corncob into the… uh… “brains” of the Military
Intelligence Whiz Bangs and the sensationalist “press” opportunists,
rumor is running rampant all over the Internet
six Nukes were loaded onto the B-52 and only
five were taken off! Some folks think one got stolen by oh I don’t know… The Noble Senator Tiberius Lieberman?
The Man on the Wing?
Dr. Evil so he can hold the world ransom for…
one million dollars?
Well anyway, the fear and conspiracy profiteers are all over the idea
Nuke Number Six has fallen into the wrong hands. Balderdash.
Some wacko preeverts might actually say those nukes were never in the
right hands to begin with. What a load of turd blossoms! Where the
heckers do they think Nuke Numero Six is Private Pyle, inside your
footlocker right next to that
non-regulation jelly donut?
Don’t these conspiracy kooks know you are a product of a
spiraling math program that goes far beyond the old fashioned and “quaint”
New Math?
You can’t count! What the hell did you do, count your thumb twice?
Dang Private Pyle how stupid can you be? That’s it no more loading
nuclear armed cruise missiles on B-52s for you! You’re on KP! Oh wait…
KP has now been
outsourced to Halliburton contractors
and private security mercenaries. Well that makes sense; the US can
spend ten times the going rate on specialists to peel potatoes. And
that frees you up Private Pyle for more important FUBARs.
However, your ass is still in the sling. Let’s see what would be a
suitable punishment? I got it! Another holiday in Baghdad! You know
seven
is your lucky number. Maybe this time you’ll get killed and that will fix the obvious case of
IED shock wave induced brain damage! Then we won’t have to pay for your rehab! But uh… him… where to plant the body of our noble war hero? The
Prime Plot Bubble has burst you know.
Well… you’re a southern boy Private Pyle so… how about some choice
Florida swamp land as a final restin’ place? Oh, don’t fret none about
them gators. You won’t feel a thing as they divvy up the choice cuts of
Pyle. Besides, you’ll be helping the environment. Back to nature I say!
But before we ship you off… again… we have a teenatchee little task for you. It’ll help set things straight.
Here’s what we want you to do. Take this here bucket of olive drab
paint and these stencils. Go out to all those cruise missiles and paint
over the words: “Danger: Thermonuclear Device.” When that’s done, take
this white paint and stencil: “
PROZAC” on all of them. That’ll fool those pesky busy bodies!
Writings 
Are your nuts so numb you did not realize you were affixing six cruise missiles armed with 
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