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by Will Durst

Guess who the Republicans snuck in as Senate Minority Whip? Trent Lott. Yes, that Trent Lott. Welcome back buddy! You’re a breath of stale air. And just the shot of smack in the arm the GOP needs. A return to the good old high flying junkie days of yore when votes stayed counted and people had priorities. Winning. At all costs.

Don’t worry about those silly racist slur charges. Hardly anybody remembers how or why you were unceremoniously bounced from your Majority leader position in the first place. That was four long years ago, which in politics is measured via carbon dating. It was so long ago we hadn’t discovered the phantom nature of weapons of mass destruction yet. When President Bush had a higher approval rating than the puppy- eating- snake level he’s at now. Back when he acted like he was better than you. And to reclaim a position of power right after the midterms that he fumbled away like a running back wearing ham mittens… genius move. As was the secret ballot. Need more of those in the Senate.

As per your controversial speechifying about how better off America would be if Strom Thurmond’s Presidential bid on the Segregationist Dixiecrat Ticket had been successful: don’t sweat it, people already forgot. Most Americans are hard pressed to recall anything before the last “Lost.” And your 25- 24 vote margin in the Asleep At The Wheel Party Sweepstakes is especially delicious, considering these are the same folks who insist they’re doing all they can to reach out to minorities. Apparently still don’t realize you were arguing integration is bad. Besides, you did apologize, and if nobody could quite understand what you were saying because of the hood muffling your words- tough.

Trust me, time heals all wounds. Your explanation of the Thurmond gaffe, ie: you were just trying to make an elderly gentleman feel good and it was a mistake of the mouth not of the heart, was brilliant. Didn’t matter if no one knew what you talking about. It was so zen. A much hipper proposition today than back in 2002. And no, no, no, nobody recollects this incident was so serious, even President Bush felt compelled to weigh in: “There’s no room in the Republican Party for racists.” Gee, we knew there were a lot of them, just didn’t think all the slots were full. Must be some sort of alternative affirmative action program going on somewhere. Don’t let Scalia hear about this.

Then, last year, when you wondered aloud about the Sunnis and the Shiites and their penchant for killing each other: “How do they tell the difference? They all look alike to me,” you know what that was? That was you channeling the American public. All those swarthy people do look alike. Just like all the Republican leadership looks alike. Overly groomed, mirthless, clueless and whiter than the inside of small bore cottage cheese.

The good news for the Republicans is, after less than two weeks wandering in the wilderness, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. The bad news for the American people is, the light being produced just might be coming from the flames emanating from a burning cross.
 

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