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Hey there Georgie
Boy, long time no speak. From what I’ve been hearing, you’ve had
a rough time as of late. As always, I’m here to help. So put down
that comic book: 9/11:
A Graphic Adaptation, and listen up! I have The Solution.
I’ve noticed
strain on your face. News reporters aren’t giving you the respect you think you deserve. Your hand puppet… er I mean right hand man, Tony
Blair, with a little encouragement from outraged Labour
Party MPs, is on the verge of moving out of Number 10 Downing
Street. The courts are starting to tell you can’t sit around listening
in on the party
line anymore. And some smart aleck senators tried to tell you
thumbscrews and swirlies were not acceptable! Obviously they didn’t belong to the same frat
house you did. Good thing you put the kaibosh on that!
The worst
of all is… Iraq. We always keep coming back to Iraq don’t we? It’s
the big corncob up the POTUS butt. It ain’t working out. Anbar
Province is all but lost. In Baghdad, bodies are piling up higher than that mountain of missing left socks in
your laundry room.
Civil
war is raging in this little Liberation Quagmire you’ve created.
 Now
don’t just sit there and imitate Bonzo.
Something’s gotta be done. Like usual, you need someone to tell
you what to do.
I have the
solution. Ready? Here it goes.
Give Iraq back
to Saddam Hussein. That’s right. You heard me! Give it back.
Get Saddam
out of the dock and give it all back. I’m sure you’ve got some buddies
who can make the arrangements. There’s "acting president"
Dick Cheney. Boy does he have some clout. I mean, it sure looks
like he was drunker
than a skunk when he blasted that lawyer! But was his blood checked for hooch? No. Ever wonder why not? Or you can give
Daddy a call. There have been whispers on the block that "family
friends" have pulled
plenty of strings for you in the past.
You say this
sounds nuts? Piffle! You’re already mad as a hatter!
Who cares?
There’s no
reason to keep Iraq anyway. Why?
First: Iraq
is out of control plain and simple. You don’t have enough cannon
fodder to police
the joint. And even if you did, it’s pretty damned hard to tell
who to kill. Killing all the Iraqis might work but then, that doesn’t
qualify as "liberating" them, does it? There’s also the
chance that extermination of the entire population of Iraq might
make you look like a war
criminal. We don’t want that! Your name could get mentioned
in the same breath as Hitler’s…
Oops! My mistake. People are already doing that. Oh well, you get
the idea. So in Iraq, let’s rule out genocide… for now.
Second: You
didn’t really invade Iraq to protect America did you? If protecting
America had been your intention you would have actually tried to get that bin Laden fellow in Afghanistan. Instead you
just let
him go.
Third: You knew Saddam had no WMD. So we can rule out that excuse.
Fourth: Trying
to liberate the people of Iraq is a whole lot of hooey and you know
it. Do you seriously want us to believe we invaded Iraq to bring
democracy to people who hate
us for our freedoms? Hogwash!
Fifth: A Senate
Panel has discovered that there was no
link between Saddam and al-Qaeda.
Sixth: Some
folk think you were after Iraqi oil and that makes sense. But that
has not
materialized. I think the oil was to be the icing
on the cake.
Fact is, you
wanted to get even with that blowhard Saddam who tried to kill
your Daddy. What better way to punish Saddam than to make him
sort out the murderous tribes. Besides, Saddam is a whole lot better
at it than you are.
With me so
far? I said put down that stupid comic book and pay attention!
O.K. give Iraq
back to Saddam! It’s probably the worst thing you could ever do to him! Stick him with the mess! Pull out all U.S. troops
and then get Tony Snow to do some of that spinning of the facts.
Get Disney to make a "doculie" TV movie. No more American soldiers will get wasted. One of Osama’s
big rallying cries to kill the American infidels will fizzle out because the U.S. won’t be occupiers anymore! And with the short-term
memory of the American public it will all be forgotten as soon as
the Super Bowl rolls around! I’m pulling for The New Orleans Saints,
how about you?
You can’t lose!
Instead of
you taking the blame, Saddam will be shown for being the evil ruthless
dictator he is. It takes his style of old time dictator to crush
the kind of chaos the American "liberation" has stirred
up. As soon as Saddam hits his stride, he might even get Osama for you!
Once that mission’s accomplished, you can send Rummy over with a fruitcake
to shake Saddam’s hand again and say, "Hey buddy, great job.
No hard feelings?"
Of course if
you don’t like that idea, you can just nuke Iran to Kingdom Come
and
the nuclear fall out will take care of the insurgents in Iraq… and Saddam to boot!
Elizabeth
Gyllensvard edited and contributed to this article.
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