Fools rush in! The Republican Party, or what passes as the Republican
Party in these days of anti-republicanism, has attracted a
competition as gnarly as purgatory. Which hatter is maddest? Who to pick?
Fact is none of us will do the picking. Even those who are registered
Republicans will have little say. Nothing for it but to sit back and
watch Sponge Bob… who, relative to most candidates, has first class
presidential qualifications.
Former Massachusetts Governor, Mitt Romney did well in last week’s Republican Iowa straw poll. And he’s
not hurting for cash, either. I mean he needed an
extra 90 days to report his holdings. He sure must be loaded to the gills, right? According to
ABC News,
when Romney kicked off his campaign on January 8th of this year, he
“raised more than $6.5 million… in a glitzy fundraising blitz that will
force all Republican rivals to take notice… The figure dwarfed the $2
million that Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., raised and the $1 million
collected by former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani.” Who says money can’t
buy happiness? The problem is, Romney can’t seem to make up his mind
whether to
abort or
not to abort.
And, look where flip-flopping got the senior senator from Arizona? John
McCain has run out of money. Regarding the McCain war chest, the
New York Times reported
last month that: “the decline in contributions had left it with $2
million.” McCain supported Bush’s immigration bill, Bush’s war; but
evangelicals have given him the frost. Old John is proof even those of
noble senatorial rank can look like complete jack asses in the eyes of
other complete jack asses.
Arnold? Hey now we’re talking! Who wouldn’t want Conan the Republikan
as president! That’ll scare the beegeebers out of any sniveling little
principality. Nobody wants to mess with Za Terminator! Imagine his Vice
President: Henry Kissinger? But neither Arnold nor Henry is stupid
enough — or
American citizen enough — to sit in the Oval Office. Count your blessings.
Ok, here it comes. Cover your eyes and plug your ears. I’m about to utter a couple of filthy expletives.
Rudy… Giuliani.
There, I said it. Excuse me a moment while I wash my mouth out with Lava soap and hit the sauce to dull the pain.
The only vote Rudy gets from me is in the “he who is most likely to be
stark raving mad” category. And let me tell you, I’ve seen plenty of
screamers and howlers running amok in downtown Los Angeles near Al’s
Bar.
Because this is the case, I predict King Rudy to replace King George.
What are Rudy’s qualifications you ask? Aside from
his wife, Judi, he has none! Zip! All he has to run on is the fact he was mayor of NYC when the city suffered
its worst disaster
ever. That’s it. Without his serendipitous role as the undertaker for
America’s largest mass funeral, Giuliani would be sitting with Don
Corleone in the back of the
Genco Importers playing cards all day… or more likely groveling at the feet of a woman about whom
Hillary Clinton is reported to have fumed: “The nerve of that woman. Who does she think she is?”
Ms. Hillary had better watch out. Looks like Ms. Judi is angling for
Hillary’s crown: Queen of the Military-Industrial Complex.
And hey, The Rudy and Judi Show sounds kind of snappy. Entertainment Tonight “reporters” won’t have any trouble with that one.
Rudy’s perfect to take over where King George leaves off, too. With the
IQ of a wombat (my apologies to wombat lovers), Giuliani will be a
cakewalk for his handlers at the
American Enterprise Institute and the
American-Israeli Public Affairs Committee. He’s a pro with the rhetorical flourishes and knows how to boast bombastic while thinking within the confines of a box of
Jujubes.
He’s a devout supporter of blowing up the world in order to make us
“safe.” This makes him popular with stand up comics like Norman —
WWIV —
Podhoretz, Rudy’s
senior foreign policy advisor. I tell you, Rudy is the new Republican Neocon Poster Boy.
And here’s where you’re gonna be asking the bartender for a triple
boilermaker (hold the beer, just give me the tequila). You’re a good
American, you believe that on Inauguration Day 2009, there will be a
change in command and then the madness will come to an end. Sorry to
burst your liver but you are assuming there will be a
change in command.
That didn’t happen in Ancient Rome and it won’t happen here.
Karl Rove has proven
anything
is possible. I don’t really buy that cock and bull story about Karl
going home to bond with his family. Do you? So don’t rule out President
Elect Giuliani. Should this farce occur, whom do you think will be
chosen as vice-president? Executive continuity must be maintained in
this era of Neocon Empire… oops, I mean uh “national global crisis war
for terror and Islamosfacist extermination with Rapture sauce” or
whatever is being served up this week. And that means… down that shot
of tequila… We could have eight more years of Dick Cheney calling the
shots (literally) from the office of vice-president!
Hey, is this bar stool taken?
Buffalo bagels! This is America! It can’t happen here. Au contraire.
Sorry but in case you haven’t noticed, a whole lotta of “it can’t
happen heres” have already happened… here. However, let’s be safe and
check what the US Constitution has to say shall we? Here’s the 22nd
Amendment limiting presidential terms reprinted in full:
Amendment XXII
Section 1. No person shall be elected to the office of the President
more than twice, and no person who has held the office of President,
or acted as President,
for more than two years of a term to which some other person was
elected President shall be elected to the office of the President more
than once. But this article shall not apply to any person holding the
office of President when this article was proposed by the Congress, and
shall not prevent any person who may be holding the office of
President,
or acting as President, during the term within
which this article becomes operative from holding the office of
President or acting as President during the remainder of such term.
Section 2. This article shall be inoperative unless it shall have been
ratified as an amendment to the Constitution by the legislatures of
three-fourths of the several states within seven years from the date of
its submission to the states by the Congress.
Yeeowza! There’s no limit to the number of terms someone can serve, and
I use loosely the term “serve,” as vice-president. That means Dead Eye
Dick can stay at the helm in the VP office! The Horror… The Horror.
Could there be a new form of
the “corrupt bargain” of 1824?
Jumpin’ gee hosafats! The thought of a US with King Rudy, “acting
president” Cheney and Norman (Nuke Iran for Israel) Podhoretz plotting
and scheming the next wave of destruction makes me want to build a bomb
shelter in the back yard in which to hunker down for the next century.
Oh sure — “Hey Moe! Another round of “Ta Kill Ya” shots for me and my
friend here!” — one could hypothetically argue that Dick Cheney has
been acting as president for six-and-a-half years and is, therefore,
not eligible to inflict more abuse. I agree, but that’s a tough sell.
And you can bet your
bottom dollar, which is all you will have
when this is over,
that the Supreme Court will stomp all over that argument as
“unconstitutional.” And for a change, they’d be right. Remember, the
Supreme Court has been relegated to the status of a photocopier to
serve the whims of King George.
Well, no need to be alarmed. I seriously doubt this will happen. After
all, I expect King George to surround the White House with his own
Praetorian Guard, commonly known as Blackwater Private Security
Contractors, and refuse to abdicate. After all, the constitution is
just a
God damned piece of paper.
Besides, who’s left to stop him?
Elizabeth Gyllensvard contributed to and edited this story.
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