Even the worthy
Homer sometimes nods. My thinking has been all kattywhompus. Go to my archives and delete everything! Well… maybe you should keep that
story about being a bum since unlike everything else it’s not a victim of
perception management.
I’m so ashamed. I have ridiculed our Beloved Decider. All along I believed him to be a retarded cowboy bent on toppling governments, bankrupting America, shredding the Constitution and starting a world conflagration.
Ok… well… maybe all that
is true. But it’s also pure genius!
What exactly is the biggest threat Spaceship Earth faces right now? Is it terrorism? Balderdash! A few suicide bombers here and there aren’t going to make any difference. Is it the depletion of resources? Bovine chips! Why fret over the inevitable? Oil is becoming passé. Who needs water? Let them drink
Red Bull. Is it global warming? In a pig’s eye! Nobody gave a rat’s ass about baby
Harp seals so who’s going to worry about penguins and polar bears? Besides, don’t you think the residents of Alaska and Siberia could use a summer vacation? Venus had a global warming
without people but on that happy planet the condition is called the “
runaway greenhouse effect.” Venus is still there and it has peace and goodwill toward all Venusians.
Is the problem war? Fiddlesticks! If war is so bad, why has it been the
number one X-treme sport for thousands of years? It has to be in the
top ten of human pleasures right along with excessive drinking and…
well… uh… “breeding.”
And that my friends is the problem. There are simply way, way too many people.
I can prove it. Have you ever been to “the Happiest Place on Earth?” No! I’m not talking about Baghdad or
Gaza. I mean Disneyland even though it is located in
the most depressed country
on Earth. So, when you were visiting Mickey did you enjoy those
hour-long waits for two-minute rides? Of course you didn’t. The place
should really be called: “Tediumland.”
Is your commute a barrel of monkeys? Didn’t think so. Let me guess, you
sit in your car all alone creeping along following another poor schmuck
for two hours. Can’t
they do something about all this traffic? Get a horse! Just don’t forget to charge up your iPod.
Usher in the era of
“resource wars.”
The theory behind which, writes Stephen Lendman, not only gives America
the rights to rather a lot of loot on the planet but also: “gives us
the right to use overwhelming force against any nation challenging our
dominance with all present and future weapons in our arsenal including
powerful nuclear ones.”
Mini Me will go mental when he hears this!
That’s fine and dandy but all this scrambling around for nature’s booty
won’t cut the mustard. Too inefficient. My guess is that the U.S.will
burn up the last of its resources trying to plunder the resources of
some other country.
So, what to do about over-population? Well folks, I don’t want to alarm you but… it’s time to cull the herd.
And this is where the
Big Neocon Master Plan is so brilliant. It’s not about U.S. hegemony or oil revenues or democracy or terrorism or security or
Little Bush getting to sit in the big chair. No! It’s all about reducing the surplus population.
Let’s see, how many
homo sapiens inhabit the earth today?
6.6 billion. Aye carumba! That’s way too many to fit into a VW!
And what’s this? There were only about 3 billion in 1960? That’s a
Runaway Species Effect! And you thought locusts were a nuisance.
How can we slow down human population growth? Maybe we can’t. But Mother Nature might step in with a
few tricks up her sleeve and catch humanity with its pants down.
Traditionally, plagues did a pretty good job of thinning out populations of pests. But, well…
Bird Flu hasn’t delivered… yet.
The Black Death
is no longer in vogue since humans have ceased to lie down with rodents
because they get up with fleas… except in the District of Columbia
where happiness is a well-fed flea on a warm rat. To be sure, the new
garbage collection regs in the UK look
very promising.
Ebola?
May have capacity as no cure has yet been found, but for now there’s
not enough monkeys that bite running loose. How about Malaria and
Dengue Fever? Good idea but not all that practical in the Temperate Zones. Anthrax? Consumption? The
heartbreak of Psoriasis?
Oh let’s face it mankind has just made too many medical advances for disease or pestilence to fulfill their Biblical roles.
Assisted suicide and other death wishes are bogged down in bureaucratic red tape.
We’re just going to have to think outside the box. And that means The
Mother of All Wars! I’m not talking about some piddling little WW II
adventure or a pusillanimous war on… war on… uh, whoever the bad guys
are supposed to be in Iraq this week. I’m talking the big Nucular
Armageddon! Yee ha! Ride ‘em cowboy!
Forget about Iraq. It’s a good warm up disaster. But there has not been
significant herd depletion going on over there. Oh sure, in October
2006, the Johns Hopkins study published in The Lancet placed the
civilian death toll at
655,000. That was almost a year ago.
Given the number of
disappearing Iraqi police, by now the body count must be closer to one million. Remember,
The Surge is working!
Still, one million is a drop in the bucket of humanity. I mean, so
what? Now the world has only 6.599 billion people? Statistically that’s
equivalent to a big fat zero reduction! Surely mankind can do better
than that!
Fortunately, the neoconservative
masterminds have Iran to fall back on. Now we’re talkin’!
Nuke Iran for Israel! That should get the
chain reaction started.
This will be good for the uranium business since “
the club,”
Russia, China, India, Pakistan, France, Britain, North Korea, the
United States, and, fanfare of trumpets, the debutante of the club,
Israel (they’re so coy) will want to
get in on all the fun.
With landfill space in short supply and the advent of
strict controls on garbage, governments are wondering what to do with all the
aging nuclear warheads piling up. The
spent rods are trouble enough.
No one of my acquaintance has checked off “vintage nuclear device” on
the Amazon.com wish list. And there I thought I had found the perfect
thing: a gift that keeps on giving… and giving… and giving…
I asked my accountant: You can’t get a tax write off for donating those
old, worn out warheads to your favorite charity. (Shucks: The widows,
orphans and cats’ home will be so disappointed.)
Still, we need to get rid of those geriatric nukes somehow.
Dump them on eBay? Too much of a hassle. By Jove, let’s shoot ‘em off!
Of course the United States can expect to share in the culling with some Red Blowback from
Vladimir Vladimirovich. It’s only fair. To quote
General “Buck” Turgidson from
Dr. Strangelove:
“I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed. But I do say no more
than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh depending on the breaks.”
Well, I’m an optimist. I like to believe our hair would be mussed more
to the tune of 90 to 100 million killed in America alone. One hundred
million Americans killed would still only cut the U.S. population down
by one third from about
300 million to 200 million.
So… I guess that means the wait at Disneyland to get on Space Mountain
will be reduced from one hour to only forty minutes. Hm… it still seems
like a rip off to me, but it
is an improvement.
Elizabeth Gyllensvard contributed to and edited this story.
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